Now I am a blessed mother of 2 kids- a 3y/o son and 2 mth old daughter. Looking back and reflecting, motherhood is like being in a whirlwind. To stay sane in this whirlwind, you have to put on a shield of faith and use your mind's eye to treat the journey like riding the wind into a mysterious adventure. Amidst all the work, it is important to find the fun and remember a good, loving and faithful god.
Stepping into motherhood is alot of learning and growth. Giving up of your own ego and really learning from scratch what it is like to serve with love. No longer being served at home but step into the role of serving. You will discover the joy of having your words, mannerism and love reflected right back through your child. I, the awkward one who never knew how to carry a kid, never thought i can love a little one so much until my have my own little one. I just want to witness all of my child's precious moments and fill him up with all the good things. If my love for my kids is limited by energy/time and then how much more wonderful must God's unconditional agape love be...? The God who treats us as His children.
Galatians 3:26
"For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. "
The birth story
In year 2021, I welcomed my eldest son with surprise, optimism, naivety and pride. I attended all the prenatal classes and bought some baby things, thinking I was ready to take on the phase of motherhood.
On a nice sunday, 2 weeks before my son's EDD, i attended church service with stronger than usual backache. I brushed it off with some back stretches, not realising that those pain I felt were nature's warning of impending birth. That same night, I felt the more intense backache- lightning zaps on my back. I used the massager unaware that those were contractions. Then it dawned on me " what exactly does birth contraction feel like? Is this unrelentless backache birth contractions?". I googled and focused my senses on what my body is feeling and came to the realisation that the pain were contraction that came as a certain frequency. So we took off with my birth bag and took a cab down to the hospital. I put on my earphone in the taxi to listen to hymns so tt I can focus on peace and calmness.
When we alighted from the cab, i felt a loosening of my hip and a stronger pain. Thinking it was a long birth battle, we went to kopitiam for a quick bite as i endured with pain. Once we got to the birth clinic, the nures commented that i was already 9cm dilated and ready for birth.
I remember my son's birth to be quick and easy. Perry sang hymns right on my ear during my birthing endeavor. I followed the rhymthic contractions of my body and gave a couple of pushes. The nurses pushed my belly and out came my son in my the doctor commented to be an incredibly fast birth.
Was birthing so easy? It was super fast for me. How naive of me to thing that my work was done for it was merely the start of the journey of endless work for a mother.
At the hospital, i was taught how to breastfeed and care for the baby. That was when things went downhill. I discovered that I did not have normal nipples for breastfeeding and was advised to use nipple shield to help the baby latch better. The doctor told me my son has mild jaundice and needs another night of monitoring. I found myself in the hospital with a needy baby but unable to properly decipher the baby's body language to tell whether my son needs to poop/pee/milk/burp. As the days passed, the endless needs to be met rolled up in a mundane cycle of time, numbers and schedule. I even bought a watch to chain myself to the time, plans and schedule! My postpartum body felt like an old granny's which was further stressed by all the planning and an irregular sleep pattern. Many stressful thoughts entanged my mind:
1) what if i lose my nipple shield/ nursing pillow? Are my baby and I going to die?
2) There's so many things I dont know, so many things to read, study and remember. The many breastfeeding positions, the various baby cues, nutrition & first-aid information for children, how to prepare food for children of different ages, what activities to do with kids for holistic development, various books on how to discipline kids
3) I can tahan somemore, dont need to bother others
4) Is what i am doing correct? What is the one right way?
5) Do i fridge the milk or freeze the milk or leave it out? When did i last pump? Do i need to pump now? I must remember when all the milk spoils, when i last pump, when baby last poop. I must record all the details so that I can pre-empt my baby needs.
6) I made so many mistakes and cant remember anything. I am the worst mum ever.
That was when anxiety built up. I couldnt get rest even when my eyes were closed. My mind was busy buzzing with thoughts and nightmares. I was diagnosed with baby blues. In that condition, I was incredibly humbled by God--- i couldnt not remember things, I could not have peace or rest. My brain shut down so much that i could only process 1 instruction at a time like a robot. I was so zoned in, i lost sight of God's goodness and beauty
I eventually overcomed depression with
- lots of support & love from family, friends and ladies from church;
- lots of rest (by sleeping when the kids are sleeping to maximise my rest and time with the kids);
- the song "Day by Day" which my husband wrote down for me to mediate one and clasping on to faith that god will bring me to another day.
My discoveries
From this journey, i learnt:
#1: Seemingly mundane moments (of caring of baby's eat-burp-poop cycles) can be brightened up with music and imagination. Sing when changing dirty diapers. Find time to dance with music while trying to burp baby or walk baby to sleep. Music is a gift from God to brighten up the atmosphere, to heal and restore my spirit. Music unites and creates harmony in the family. How nice it is when every member can sing the same song (albeit slight out of tune and out of sync, but its still nice tt we can practise to sing in harmony) and is united by the same central belief. I find that sometimes singing to my kid is more for me than for them. Singing "Jesus loves me"/ "Safe in the arms of Jesus" hymn constantly reminds me of God's love when my body is tired and my soul needs rest. The hymn calms both me and my baby.
#2: Tomorrow is always daunting but remembering God's love and trusting tomorrow in His hand is what keeps my sanity together. When I had baby blues, i was fearful of the unknown tomorrow and doing something different from the typical schedule at home. I feared going out as it means unknown challenges, unknown baby feeding/changing locations. The fear trapped me in my house physically and mentally. Only when I was encouraged by family to step outside, did I start to breathe in the beauty of God's goodness (aka the real oxygen) and experience the grace & support of everyone around me. I came to see that I am not alone. I have a loving God, my family, my friends and my family in Christ. I learnt to just take it day by day and live by God's grace. We are imperfect humans with limited cognitive power. We can never truly know which kind of planning is best for the unknown tomorrow. So, referencing to the story of David & Goliath, just be brave and take that step of faith into tomorrow with a little "pebble" (representing whatever little things you can do in today) and let God accomplish what He will with you and the "pebble". I believe God trains us little by little to be ready for the challenges of tomorrow. Looking back, even though I am my parent's youngest child and has never had to care for a younger one in the family, I had several opportunities in my life to hone my skills in teaching little kids. Perhaps its God that led me to teaching jobs for kindergarten-primary kids or opening doors to leading a bunch of little kids around River Safari. All these little things connected and gave me some experience to teach and play with my son better.
#3: Look at nature, find crevice of time to slow down and be still. As a mother, i find myself pushed from task to task, almost like I on circular conveyor belt, moving non-stop. Rarely, do i find myself truly relieved of task and be totally alone. When im in the toilet, my son comes knocking and talking. When im in the shower, there's a kid waiting for me to come out to feed/play. All the more, its important to be still whenever possible.
E.g. to just lie down on the playground slide with the kids and simply enjoy the wind together/ look at the scenary together whilst walking.
E.g. taking a moment (a few seconds?) to just appreciate a nice plate of food that's prepared
E.g. instead of rushing to clean up/fussing over mess, to really just enjoy a happily sleeping and sated little kid and be thankful that he/she is growing healthily by God's grace
E.g. just sitting on the sofa and observing the kid play and marvel at how far we all have come as a family
#4: Accept help. I am a total noobie and i should ask for/accept help. When younger, I endeavored to be like my supermum to manage it all without a helper. Now, i realise that was pride and overconfidence in me talking. With amateur cooking skills, no baby caring experience, having no help at all is a recipe for disaster. I tried to do it all even though my mother in law was here to help, too paiseh to ask for help or to communicate what is needed so that we can find our mother in law- daughter in law rhythm. Time has taught me to just politely seek help and give my appreciation with some thank you or a cup of koi. When my mother in law broke her arm in an untimely accident, we had to welcome a last minute nanny (thank God we found one) and scramble to find a maid (thank God my mother in law has experience in this area and helped out in sourcing for one as I was still battling baby blues then). Despite my failings, God's grace came through all the people around me- whether through encouraging "How are you"' from church, fellowshipping with the ladies going through the same difficulties, visits from friends and family to help with the house/ look after the baby. My depressed self wanted to hide in my house all alone but that's was not healthy. When my husband helped me open up and welcomed visitors to our house, the kindness of others and the listening ears of my friends pulled me out of the darkness. God designed man for fellowship and not a lone island. With a maid and mother in law around the house, i learning alot of tips and tricks (e.g. using of sarong, cheats in cooking a fast meal etc). So its important to stay humble, open up my ears and keep a learning attitude.
In addition, breastfeeding is not an easy journey for me as I did not have the normal nipples for feeding. Nonetheless, I persisted as it was something that clicked with me (the cuteness when my little baby finally managed to latch on and suck till he/she is happily sated). So I had to be open to having professionals to massage my boobs 0.o to observe how I have been breastfeeding my baby and give correcting tips. Through expert advice, I learnt how amazingly and wonderfully God create the woman's body for childcaring
A) The versatile breasts to store milk at the perfect temperature for baby need. The breast learns the milk needs of a baby and adapts accordingly! So simply pump out when the breast feel full or pump out when going out. For a full time breasting mum, storing of milk is as simple as just freezing all excess for donation. If I wish to train the kid on bottle feeding, then just pump right a bottle right before escaping the house for a couple of hours. The breasts is my baby's pillow, food and comfort-- a super gift from God
B) Our arms are wonderfully created to allow breastfeeding in a side lying position. When i sleep & feed my child in a side lying position on the bed, the arm is a useful tool as a pillow for myself and to angle the children's head. When i feed my child in the same position on the floor, i find my arm a useful tool as a pillow for my baby. The distance between arm to boob is perfectly designed
C) Our thighs and calves work in a wonderful harmony during breastfeeding. They are nature's "nursing pillow". I can simply rest my baby on my thighs, use my calves and back to adjust the angles (add my elbow if needed) to free up my hands for other work.
D) Our hands is not just one lump, but comes with 10 fingers. The fingers come into great use when we had to syringe feed my son (when he could not breastfeed yet)
E) Our soft stomach is a nice big bolster for baby to hug and sleep on
F) The hormonal system of balance to stop menstruation while breastfeeding. How nice to not deal with all the blood while we are already dealing with milk, spits, vomit and poop :P
G) The natural birth control for breastfeeding mums. I didnt get menstruation during the fill 2.5years i was breastfeeding my son. It seems to be nature's way of preventing a mum from being overwhelmed with too many kids. Its also amazing how naturally my son weaned off breastfeeding when I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I explained to him we had to stop breastfeeding at night as my milk supply is almost gone. My son confirmed for himself that I was no longer making milk and adapted to it without fuss! I am still amazed by this today as I had prepared myself for tantrums and crying. I am so glad that there were none.
#5: Accept imperfection. Some days we just can't do everything perfect. We forget something or we say the wrong things. Forgive yourself and learn from the mistakes. Give yourself time to develop a new set of habits (i.e.bringing out a readily packed baby bag with wet tissues, diapers, clothes and nursing cover all the time before leaving with kids; automatically finding your baby to breastfeed after a few moments of being occupied with something else). I am reminded of this verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.". So in weak moments, rely on God's strength and provision. I may be an insufficient mum but God will guide and teach me what to do and how to grow. God is my shepherd and I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. (Psalms 23)
#6: Listen but find the way that works for you because there is no one way. Different mums have different values and habits and preferences. So listen to their tips but dont worry too much if it doesnt work for you. At the start, I met with contrary advices from mums. Eventually, I kind of just learn to forget pleasing everyone. I learnt to just find a balance from all the advice given and find my own rhymth. I pat myself for little successes and discoveries & thank god grace each new eureka moment.
#7: Stop the TV and the mindless scrolling through social media. You realise how useless these things are when you run out of time and life requires you to relook your priorities. TV and social media are the daily temptation for me. I am currently making a daily effort to replace them with filling of good things in my mind and spending quality time with kids yield better fruits for the future. (I am so glad we dont have a TV in our living room. Thats a big box of temptation leading to hours of mindless entertainment and cultivation of weeds in my brain). After i limited my Tv time and replace with reading, writing and reflecting, i can feel my mind starting to bloom and develop.
Cheers to life,
Jojo
(Thank god for my sleeping princess, if not i wont be able to accomplish this post! Hahahah)
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