Breaking point

I'm near my breaking point.

Suddenly I'm swamped with choices. To sign up for job internships, or to remain at my current job to stick close to the friends I've made. To have fencing cca or choir. To have a chill cca like boardgames or a demanding cca like business solution. To use my time to work so as to save money or to be a mugger. There's so much uncertainty. While I want best of every world, it's often impossible. I find myself having to sacrifice something so that I can pursue another. And sometimes, I'm not even sure if my choices are the best for me. Am I pushing myself too hard?

Then when I have finally narrowed down to three things I want to do - continue my current job, develop my interest in dancing with Soul Funky, join a social entrepreneurship club- I face yet another obstacle: the cca trials. Almost all the CCAs I want to join have auditions or interviews. For this whole week, I've just been attending a bunch of them. It's not the interview that is draining. Rather, it is the unknown that is stressing me out.

"I'm training so hard for this CCA, will I get in?"
"I've finally managed to narrow down this CCA as the one I really want. What if I don't get into it?"
"Is it worth putting effort going into such nerve-wrecking auditions, if my chance of getting in is only so darn small?!?!"

Unknowns definitely sucks. Just like how my lessons are. If I have to give metaphor to describe what going into university lectures are like, I would say it's like a mosaic. It's like a blur. You can somewhat get half of whatever the lecturer is saying, but you still can't connect anything together. When reading a textbook, you can only understand half of its argument. When doing a project, the project titles seems to have no relation to the module at all. University is supposed to empower individuals but strangely it feels just the opposite right now. I'm feeling lost and confused. My dad and sister says its like that. Alot of it requires independent learning. They tell me I will adapt and understand soon enough. I'm eagerly hoping for that day to come, the day where I can finally know where is what, what is what, who is who.

Suddenly I just feel that I've been very protected all 18 years of my life. Now it's the time to break out of my comfort zone, and start creating my own path, making my own decision. University, I would say, is a test of independence and courage to stretch pass one's limits.

P.s. My soul funky audition is tomorrow. I'm totally praying that my brain won't blank out on me

Fervently praying that things will make sense soon,
Jojo