Having experienced being both confessor and confessee, I had some revelation with regards to the thing called love:
Love = Compatible fundamental values + physical attraction + chemistry
1. Compatible fundamental values
I think that for a relationship to be smooth-sailing and non dramatic, both parties fundamental values must be the same. If not, there will always be a unspeakable topic. This lack of openness will be very suffocating. I have heard of stories where couple just overlook certain differences in values..and they carry on their relationship for years. However, when it comes down the marriage, all these differences become re-evaluated and end up in breakups. All those wasted years and wasted deposit put to BTO...
A few years ago, I thought compatible values is all that is needed to like a person. "As long as basic criterias are met, I will like this person". NO. Someone confessed to me. He met those most of those basic criterias. He is the nicest person I know. But that does not necessarily translate to attraction. Im still not sure what it takes to nurture attraction. Time? Or is it predetermined? It is actually possible to like someone as a person, but not like him/her romantically.
2. Attraction
I always thought I would accept any confession as long as the guy is brave enough to take the step. I have been rejected before so I know how much anxiety one would feel. I have a brother so I understand how hard it is for a guy to take that step. It is only when I am in the situation, that I realise I've been so naive. No matter how good a guy is, if there is no attraction, it is hard to say yes and move on to the next part of the relationship. My values just prevents me from leading a guy on/wasting his time.
But what is attraction?
I have always wanted to deny physical looks as a reason for liking someone because that is "superficial". But physical looks does come into play (abit). So superficial is not a bad thing, but really human nature! A person doesn't need to be super handsome to be liked. Rather his looks must meet the taste of the other. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone's beauty can also come hand in hand with his personality. Like I have friends who tell me what I think is pretty/cute is very weird 0.0 A terrier may not seem cute to others. Others might find a bull dog cute. But I will only be attracted to the terrier that I myself find adorable.
Attraction definitely needs to be there to escape the friend zone! If not, I really can't comprehend how one can kiss/hold hands with just a friend. I don't know how other girls can do it. Because every time I attempt thinking of doing it, I think I'll fall into darkness and lose pride in myself.
3. Chemistry
I suck at chemistry. I got C for chemistry in A' levels hahaha ha. . With compatible values and attraction, it's still not enough. Why did things not turn out well between me and Mr B? It's the lack of chemistry. Chemistry, in my opinion, is mutual like (both parties feel the attraction and have compatible values).
With me and Mr B, it's like petrol and cooking oil. We are similar, but we can't mix well. I feel the attraction but he doesn't. Sometimes I appreciate how Mr B rejected me and wanted to continue as friends. Because now, I understand how he felt when he was confessed to by a friend. Honestly, during the period when I was waiting for Mr B to reply my confession, I was afraid. Afraid because I was wondering what would happen when we really do date. Part of me knew that there's little chemistry.. Every time I see him, my mind goes blank (like some teenage crush -.-) How can I every sustain a good conversation when it's always like this! Now I realise that what I felt for Mr B, was probably just a crush (like looking at an interesting candy and wanting it for myself). A crush... just doesn't work out. At this point, I can't logically imagine how it would! It's at most just eye candy/behaviour candy. How can I say I really like Mr B, when I gave up after a rejection? Isn't like/love something more persistent? That must mean that I don't like him enough to move on to the next level. Rather, i feel that things are good enough as friends. With this, I can say I have truly moved on and matured from this.
So i think... for chemistry to happen, i need to have more casual hang outs and heart to heart talks. So as much as my introverted self hates talking about feelings, I need to do so. After all, love needs work. If I always keep my door closed, how can I know anyone at all?
My thoughts on rejection
Looking back, rejection is not a bad thing at all. Being rejected doesn't mean you are not good enough a person. Being rejected shouldn't make you feel undesirable. It just means that there's no attraction/ chemistry. That's it.
In fact, rejection makes things much more efficient. Hahaha
Taking it slow and steady
It is a stressful world when you past age 20. It's like this age where you are supposed to be in a relationship. So that after several trial and failures, you are in time to get married by age 26-28.
22 is when you are like "oh crap, in another 5 more years I'm supposed to be married already?". It's like a rude awakening to the world where aunt and uncles start asking "so meimei got boyfriend already?" For a period of time I was really anxious..
But now, I have reached a zen level. Don't need to rush it. Attraction and chemistry can't be planned or calculated. It's just about fate and staying open to life. For now, I'll enjoy this non-dramatic & chill life, with love and support from my friends and family. I mean, I have enough love from friends and family, I don't NEED a man (get the kpop references? XD) At most, I'll just get me a real terrier dog to accompany me during my old age hahaha ha #carefree #happygolucky
Just gonna go with the flow of life,
Jojo
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