Motherhood

Now I am a blessed mother of 2 kids- a 3y/o son and 2 mth old daughter. Looking back and reflecting, motherhood is like being in a whirlwind. To stay sane in this whirlwind, you have to put on a shield of faith and use your mind's eye to treat the journey like riding the wind into a mysterious adventure. Amidst all the work, it is important to find the fun and remember a good, loving and faithful god. 

Stepping into motherhood is alot of learning and growth. Giving up of your own ego and really learning from scratch what it is like to serve with love. No longer being served at home but step into the role of serving. You will discover the joy of having your words, mannerism and love reflected right back through your child. I, the awkward one who never knew how to carry a kid, never thought i can love a little one so much until my have my own little one. I just want to witness all of my child's precious moments and fill him up with all the good things. If my love for my kids is limited by energy/time and then how much more wonderful must God's unconditional agape love be...? The God who treats us as His children.

Galatians 3:26

"For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. "

The birth story

In year 2021, I welcomed my eldest son with surprise, optimism, naivety and pride. I attended all the prenatal classes and bought some baby things, thinking I was ready to take on the phase of motherhood. 

On a nice sunday, 2 weeks before my son's EDD, i attended church service with stronger than usual backache. I brushed it off with some back stretches, not realising that those pain I felt were nature's warning of impending birth. That same night, I felt the more intense backache- lightning zaps on my back. I used the massager unaware that those were contractions. Then it dawned on me " what exactly does birth contraction feel like? Is this unrelentless backache birth contractions?". I googled and focused my senses on what my body is feeling and came to the realisation that the pain were contraction that came as a certain frequency. So we took off with my birth bag and took a cab down to the hospital. I put on my earphone in the taxi to listen to hymns so tt I can focus on peace and calmness.

When we alighted from the cab, i felt a loosening of my hip and a stronger pain. Thinking it was a long birth battle, we went to kopitiam for a quick bite as i endured with pain. Once we got to the birth clinic, the nures commented that i was already 9cm dilated and ready for birth. 

I remember my son's birth to be quick and easy. Perry sang hymns right on my ear during my birthing endeavor. I followed the rhymthic contractions of my body and gave a couple of pushes. The nurses pushed my belly and out came my son in my the doctor commented to be an incredibly fast birth.

Was birthing so easy? It was super fast for me. How naive of me to thing that my work was done for it was merely the start of the journey of endless work for a mother.

My motherhood journey

At the hospital, i was taught how to breastfeed and care for the baby. That was when things went downhill. I discovered that I did not have normal nipples for breastfeeding and was advised to use nipple shield to help the baby latch better. The doctor told me my son has mild jaundice and needs another night of monitoring. I found myself in the hospital with a needy baby but unable to properly decipher the baby's body language to tell whether my son needs to poop/pee/milk/burp. As the days passed, the endless needs to be met rolled up in a mundane cycle of time, numbers and schedule. I even bought a watch to chain myself to the time, plans and schedule! My postpartum body felt like an old granny's which was further stressed by all the planning and an irregular sleep pattern. Many stressful thoughts entanged my mind:

 1) what if i lose my nipple shield/ nursing pillow? Are my baby and I going to die?

2) There's so many things I dont know, so many things to read, study and remember. The many breastfeeding positions, the various baby cues, nutrition & first-aid information for children, how to prepare food for children of different ages, what activities to do with kids for holistic development, various books on how to discipline kids

3) I can tahan somemore, dont need to bother others

4) Is what i am doing correct? What is the one right way?

5) Do i fridge the milk or freeze the milk or leave it out? When did i last pump? Do i need to pump now? I must remember when all the milk spoils, when i last pump, when baby last poop. I must record all the details so that I can pre-empt my baby needs. 

6) I made so many mistakes and cant remember anything. I am the worst mum ever.

That was when anxiety built up. I couldnt get rest even when my eyes were closed. My mind was busy buzzing with thoughts and nightmares. I was diagnosed with baby blues. In that condition, I was incredibly humbled by God--- i couldnt not remember things, I could not have peace or rest. My brain shut down so much that i could only process 1 instruction at a time like a robot. I was so zoned in, i lost sight of God's goodness and beauty 

I eventually overcomed depression with 

- lots of support & love from family, friends and ladies from church;

- lots of rest (by sleeping when the kids are sleeping to maximise my rest and time with the kids); 

- the song "Day by Day" which my husband wrote down for me to mediate one and clasping on to faith that god will bring me to another day. 

My discoveries

From this journey, i learnt:

#1: Seemingly mundane moments (of caring of baby's eat-burp-poop cycles) can be brightened up with music and imagination. Sing when changing dirty diapers. Find time to dance with music while trying to burp baby or walk baby to sleep. Music is a gift from God to brighten up the atmosphere, to heal and restore my spirit. Music unites and creates harmony in the family. How nice it is when every member can sing the same song (albeit slight out of tune and out of sync, but its still nice tt we can practise to sing in harmony) and is united by the same central belief. I find that sometimes singing to my kid is more for me than for them. Singing "Jesus loves me"/ "Safe in the arms of Jesus" hymn constantly reminds me of God's love when my body is tired and my soul needs rest. The hymn calms both me and my baby.

#2: Tomorrow is always daunting but remembering God's love and trusting tomorrow in His hand is what keeps my sanity together. When I had baby blues, i was fearful of the unknown tomorrow and doing something different from the typical schedule at home. I feared going out as it means unknown challenges, unknown baby feeding/changing locations. The fear trapped me in my house physically and mentally. Only when I was encouraged by family to step outside, did I start to breathe in the beauty of God's goodness (aka the real oxygen) and experience the grace & support of everyone around me. I came to see that I am not alone. I have a loving God, my family, my friends and my family in Christ. I learnt to just take it day by day and live by God's grace. We are imperfect humans with limited cognitive power. We can never truly know which kind of planning is best for the unknown tomorrow. So, referencing to the story of David & Goliath, just be brave and take that step of faith into tomorrow with a little "pebble" (representing whatever little things you can do in today) and let God accomplish what He will with you and the "pebble". I believe God trains us little by little to be ready for the challenges of tomorrow. Looking back, even though I am my parent's youngest child and has never had to care for a younger one in the family, I had several opportunities in my life to hone my skills in teaching little kids. Perhaps its God that led me to teaching jobs for kindergarten-primary kids or opening doors to leading a bunch of little kids around River Safari. All these little things connected and gave me some experience to teach and play with my son better. 

#3: Look at nature, find crevice of time to slow down and be still. As a mother, i find myself pushed from task to task, almost like I on circular conveyor belt, moving non-stop. Rarely, do i find myself truly relieved of task and be totally alone. When im in the toilet, my son comes knocking and talking. When im in the shower, there's a kid waiting for me to come out to feed/play. All the more, its important to be still whenever possible. 

E.g. to just lie down on the playground slide with the kids and simply enjoy the wind together/ look at the scenary together whilst walking. 

E.g. taking a moment (a few seconds?) to just appreciate a nice plate of food that's prepared

E.g. instead of rushing to clean up/fussing over mess, to really just enjoy a happily sleeping and sated little kid and be thankful that he/she is growing healthily by God's grace

E.g. just sitting on the sofa and observing the kid play and marvel at how far we all have come as a family

#4: Accept help. I am a total noobie and i should ask for/accept help. When younger, I endeavored to be like my supermum to manage it all without a helper. Now, i realise that was pride and overconfidence in me talking. With amateur cooking skills, no baby caring experience, having no help at all is a recipe for disaster. I tried to do it all even though my mother in law was here to help, too paiseh to ask for help or to communicate what is needed so that we can find our mother in law- daughter in law rhythm. Time has taught me to just politely seek help and give my appreciation with some thank you or a cup of koi. When my mother in law broke her arm in an untimely accident, we had to welcome a last minute nanny (thank God we found one) and scramble to find a maid (thank God my mother in law has experience in this area and helped out in sourcing for one as I was still battling baby blues then). Despite my failings, God's grace came through all the people around me- whether through encouraging "How are you"' from church, fellowshipping with the ladies going through the same difficulties, visits from friends and family to help with the house/ look after the baby. My depressed self wanted to hide in my house all alone but that's was not healthy. When my husband helped me open up and welcomed visitors to our house, the kindness of others and the listening ears of my friends pulled me out of the darkness. God designed man for fellowship and not a lone island. With a maid and mother in law around the house, i learning alot of tips and tricks (e.g. using of sarong, cheats in cooking a fast meal etc). So its important to stay humble, open up my ears and keep a learning attitude.

In addition, breastfeeding is not an easy journey for me as I did not have the normal nipples for feeding. Nonetheless, I persisted as it was something that clicked with me (the cuteness when my little baby finally managed to latch on and suck till he/she is happily sated). So I had to be open to having professionals to massage my boobs 0.o to observe how I have been breastfeeding my baby and give correcting tips. Through expert advice, I learnt how amazingly and wonderfully God create the woman's body for childcaring

A) The versatile breasts to store milk at the perfect temperature for baby need. The breast learns the milk needs of a baby and adapts accordingly! So simply pump out when the breast feel full or pump out when going out. For a full time breasting mum, storing of milk is as simple as just freezing all excess for donation. If I wish to train the kid on bottle feeding, then just pump right a bottle right before escaping the house for a couple of hours. The breasts is my baby's pillow, food and comfort-- a super gift from God

B) Our arms are wonderfully created to allow breastfeeding in a side lying position. When i sleep & feed my child in a side lying position on the bed, the arm is a useful tool as a pillow for myself and to angle the children's head. When i feed my child in the same position on the floor, i find my arm a useful tool as a pillow for my baby. The distance between arm to boob is perfectly designed

C) Our thighs and calves work in a wonderful harmony during breastfeeding. They are nature's "nursing pillow". I can simply rest my baby on my thighs, use my calves and back to adjust the angles (add my elbow if needed) to free up my hands for other work.

D) Our hands is not just one lump, but comes with 10 fingers. The fingers come into great use when we had to syringe feed my son (when he could not breastfeed yet)

E) Our soft stomach is a nice big bolster for baby to hug and sleep on

F) The hormonal system of balance to stop menstruation while breastfeeding. How nice to not deal with all the blood while we are already dealing with milk, spits, vomit and poop :P

G) The natural birth control for breastfeeding mums. I didnt get menstruation during the fill 2.5years i was breastfeeding my son. It seems to be nature's way of preventing a mum from being overwhelmed with too many kids. Its also amazing how naturally my son weaned off breastfeeding when I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I explained to him we had to stop breastfeeding at night as my milk supply is almost gone. My son confirmed for himself that I was no longer making milk and adapted to it without fuss! I am still amazed by this today as I had prepared myself for tantrums and crying. I am so glad that there were none.

#5: Accept imperfection. Some days we just can't do everything perfect. We forget something or we say the wrong things. Forgive yourself and learn from the mistakes. Give yourself time to develop a new set of habits (i.e.bringing out a readily packed baby bag with wet tissues, diapers, clothes and nursing cover all the time before leaving with kids; automatically finding your baby to breastfeed after a few moments of being occupied with something else). I am reminded of this verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.". So in weak moments, rely on God's strength and provision. I may be an insufficient mum but God will guide and teach me what to do and how to grow. God is my shepherd and I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. (Psalms 23)

#6: Listen but find the way that works for you because there is no one way. Different mums have different values and habits and preferences. So listen to their tips but dont worry too much if it doesnt work for you. At the start, I met with contrary advices from mums. Eventually, I kind of just learn to forget pleasing everyone. I learnt to just find a balance from all the advice given  and find my own rhymth. I pat myself for little successes and discoveries & thank god grace each new eureka moment.

#7: Stop the TV and the mindless scrolling through social media. You realise how useless these things are when you run out of time and life requires you to relook your priorities. TV and social media are the daily temptation for me. I am currently making a daily effort to replace them with filling of good things in my mind and spending quality time with kids yield better fruits for the future. (I am so glad we dont have a TV in our living room. Thats a big box of temptation leading to hours of mindless entertainment and cultivation of weeds in my brain). After i limited my Tv time and replace with reading, writing and reflecting, i can feel my mind starting to bloom and develop.

Cheers to life,

Jojo

(Thank god for my sleeping princess, if not i wont be able to accomplish this post! Hahahah)

My son pleasantly surprised me today

Thanks to my BFF, im reminded that I have this blog as an outlet for my rantings and a platform for me to document stories and memories. 

Today, I am writing about 2 things my son surprised me on.

1) His response after a caning session 

My son is 3 years old now. Now, he is able to use his hands and legs however he wants. No longer weak/dependent on others, his little hands and feet has the power to create or destroy at his will. We instructed him on the rules of the house, bible lessons on what God says about duty of parents in disciplining children and what are the 7 cardinal sins that tempts us daily. After spending much effort laying the necessary foundation (my son's understanding of God's words to little children on obedience to parents and basic understanding of the 7 heavenly virtues), the day has come to start with the ROD.

"He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24).
 "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15)

 

Today, he defiantly disobeyed his nainai (i.e. grandma) by using a highlighter to scribble on a blackboard. The more we said to stop, the more he continued. When physically stopped from his act of rebel, he threw stuff on the floor and hit nainai out of frustration. My helper stepped in to calm him down and talk reason with him. As this panned out before my eyes, my mind quickly contempted whether the rod should be used. He has broken 3 out of the 5 house rules explained (hurting others, act of violence by throwing things, disobedience even after warning). Then I thought.. " its my job to do my job as a mum-- this is a time for disciplining"

Off I went to find something resembling a rod, a chopstick. I grabbed hold of my struggling son and calmly hit him twice on his little hands with the chopstick. As expected, lots of crying. Then I carried him to a room to hug him, reassure him and teach him. While hugging him, I reassured him that I am hitting because I love him and God instructed me to use the rod to discipline him. We love him so we want to correcr him and let his hands remember disobedience and violence are wrong. I reasoned with him that God did not allow him to hit his nainai and that destroying things is bad. Slowly, he calmed down and wanted to leave the room to continue playing again. 

I reminded him to say sorry to his nainai. He refused initially. So i gave him some time till he was ready. He said he didnt know how to say sorry. He went his way..not sure what was in his little mind as he went to find something for his meimei. Eventually, after some reminder, encouragement and instruction, he said sorry and hugged his nainai.

I remember when i got caned by my mum when I was young, I felt sad and frustrated with my mum and wanted to distance away myself from my mum --the source of all that hitting & anger.  So thats what I had expected after disciplining my son.

To my pleasant surprise, my son joined me gladly in an exploration of a "zoo" (a display of soft toys on the shelf). Thereafter,  i had hours of fun playing on a mattress, imagining that we are on a boat to several lands (e.g. zoo, rainbow land, rubbish bin). I never expected having such a nice simple fun with my son right after a caning session.

Perhaps this is how the rod is supposed to be used. To be used in patience and intentional words of love, never out of anger. Surely the rod of correction will reflect God's mercy, longsuffering and love. 

2) His reply to my energy-drained body

After much fun with our imaginations, i was totally zapped out of energy and yet with many other tasks to do -- breastfeed my younger daughter, lunch, bathe.

After his lunch, my son came in looking to continue our adventure while i was still recharging my energy. Worn out, i honestly told him "i need to feed meimei, eat finish my lunch and some time to rest.." He responded with a schedule "1. Feed meimei. 2. Eat ur corn. 3. Sit on a boat with percy, okay?"

I was surprised. No tantrum, no fighting for attention with meimei. Rather, he scheduled himself last in my list of things to do. My son, learning empathy bit by bit :3 How nice to see some of our little teaching lessons and bible lessons growing good stuff inside my son. 

May the word of God bloom in my son, my family and me. Thank you, my God, for opening my eyes to see the goodness in your instruction.

The not-so-glamorous life at age 23

Being a young adult is not as glamorous as it seems on media.

I thought that when I become a young adult, I would have lots of money to spend. I can buy whatever clothes I want, go overseas whenever I want. I will have a meaningful job, which will become part of my brand-new i-am-a-valuable-member-of-society identity. This job will be one where I can steadily climb up the ranks, with all the preparation and skill training I had in high school and university. I will (somehow) achieve work life balance.

BUT NO. I have opened my eyes to reality.  With adulthood, comes..

1. Dealing with loss
When you become older, it means that your parents, favourite aunts and uncles and grandparents become old as well. I have come to realised that my parents and their siblings have reached an age when they health will start to deteriorate. Cholestrol issues, heart problem, cancer, diabetes... all the health issues I have studied in biology and had thought would only happen to a handful of people... are the issues are have struck my loved ones. You never know when a cancer cell will start to activate or when the illness will escalate to the point that your loved one will be hospitalised. My parents used to be the financial pillars of my family. They are almost like superheros. To see them, the people i look up to, weakened is quite saddening. I cannot image the future where I switch roles with them and become the superhero instead. Worse, i cannot imagine the day when they are physically leave my life and join the spiritual world. Sure we can comfort ourselves and believe that they are in heaven but it doesn't change the feeling of loss.

Things that I am used to have changed. The new year when we always do the same old thing - visiting our grandparents house- will be different this year. I now know that every decade, things will never stay constant. The things I like, the practices I like will never never be there forever.

My siblings have gotten married and are starting to move on to a brand to phase in life and start their own family. The time we can spend together is not a frequent as when we were kids. We can no longer just say "hey lets go for movies" and all be free on that day at the same time. We are all busy with work and our other social lives Just scheduling a common day to hang out is tough.. This is especially so for me when my sibling sometimes works on weekends.. I guess I am worried that my closeness with my jiejie and korkor will decline a few years later. A few years later, we will not just be limited by amount of time can we spend with each other, but also be separated physically in where we live.

Not just loss of loved ones, but with age, we also deal with the loss of energy levels and spirit. The thorny path of adult life - be it work stress, family problems, social life problems, keeps beating us down and try to dampen our spirit. Life is no longer as easy as relying on your parents because now we have to be indepedent. Life is no longer just failing papers and being scolded, for failures may just threaten our personal reputation and career prospect (which the  affects our survival and lifestyle). As a young adult, i struggle to maintain my spirit. There are days i feel like a mindless robot doing things for survival. They are other good days where I enjoy what I do.

2. Climbing up the career ladder aint that easy
Its all about EQ + IQ and they are so many people out that with both of them.. while i still struggle with this rigid, scary workaholic image which I tend to exude out whenever I am focused at work.. I am still brushing up my EQ (i.e. how to not let client bully you. How to successfully persuade client to do stuff and not let them push the work right back at you -.- all these tricky stuff x.x) Let's just say my education only prepared by only ~30% for this. Sometimes I still feel like a newborn baby deer in the working world.

3. Money issues
Most of my income have been used for paying off school loans and supporting the family and surviving. Minus off necessary saving for insurance.. i have no spare cashflow for retirement, house savings etc Dont even get me started on how much investment Singapore Qualification Programme requires...Haiz.. I cant even think about that glamorous lifestyle of buying whatever i want and trying out whatever new things I fancy. At least not till i get a few more promotions.

4. Work life balance
What is work life balance when sometimes you are so worn out from work that you just want to shut everyone out and do nothing (aka be a no lifer) LOL

Gotta sleep already so i guess I shall rant till here.

Thoughtful,
Jojo

The feeling of being "scheduled in"

There was a time when I was busy. Tuition; studies; official work (audit life ain't that chill to begin with). Even with all that going on, I had to squeeze in some social life too! And I would put hang-out invitations on waiting list. I am a very structured person. So in my mind, i wanted to keep everything nicely scheduled and well balanced. Some time for study, some me time, some time for family, some time for case buddies, some time for making new friends out of colleagues, some time for other friends. With all these in mind,  I told my case buddies clique something like

"Now that im working, i think i can only make it for an outing once every month"

Then I was kinda chided by kc for sounding like I'm too busy for friends/ they are not very important anymore. I didn't understand it at that time. But now I'm seeing everything with a fresh new perspective - the one being "scheduled in"

It really do sucks to feel so "scheduled in" by busy friends. Am I begging for attention? Why do I feel somewhat like a eunuch who is graced by your few hours of time? In your sea of friends, am I way down your priority list? Should I even try to beg for hanging out even again?

All these are really irrational, selfish thoughts. Objectively, I do understand that the act of making time for a friend is good enough. But these are feelings I can't seem to shake off. I suppose when you reach adulthood, friendship becomes something more. Not just people who are linked to each other by circumstance, but something you really have to put in effort to maintain (especially when you are busier than ever) I suppose, more than ever, you just want friends who cherish you as much as you cherish them.

Is there even a point in calling each other friends, when the friendship is going to an end when things get inconvenient? I suppose I think this way because I'm an introvert who find it hard to make friends with people. For now, I guess i have to stay positive and just what to grasp on to every strand of friendship I have, and hope it's reciprocated :P

Let's hope case buddies and what few friendships I have endure the test of time,
Jojo

P.s sometimes I really applaud people who takes the first step and organise meet ups. It's not an easy role to be in.. being the one who bugs every one their preferred time etc.

River Safari Reunion

A few weeks ago, the good old chairman of Icube (this external volunteering interest group I joined back in my junior college days) called back the alumni, hoping to do a reunion project.

The planning stage
I found it odd that the main purpose of the project was for our reunion. Like at first, we wanted to revive our flagship project - the recycling drive. Im pretty sure everyone was worried about the volunteer recruitment part (because why would university students do such saigang work with no CIP incentive?!) But big boss CC (we call him CC) was busy flying all around the world and couldnt make it to the meetings. So we all went with it for a few weeks... i even did up the marketing materials.. until we finally meet up to thrash out all the issues.

That's when we suddenly switch gears, and changed our project into something that required less manpower & allow everyone to create good memories. Haha in Enactus words, something that is desirable, feasible and viable: an outing to River Safari with disadvantaged children. And of course, the poster and banner I designed never got to see the light of the day :/ I did not really feel good about how the planning went and how partially self-motivated everything was. After all, I learnt that social project should come after need analysis, not out of no where.. But then I had to recognise the dark truth- we did not have the time nor the resources anymore. We cant do recce like we did/ needs analysis research like before. So we applied the quick and easy formula- outing + VWO (like most befriending social projects out there)

Every thing about the planning was very half assed cuz we ain't as free as we were before! (I had already started work right when they decided to switch project agenda). We really did wing it😂😂 right until the day of execution, no one knew where to meet, the names of the teachers or the kids, NOT EVEN THE outing itinerary!! I was worried that this volunteering outing would turn out a disaster. I stayed out of the planning part most of the time so it did not even feel like volunteerism anymore (rather, it felt like some spontaneous clique gathering) 0.0

River Safari Day
But things turned out better than I thought! It was chaotic, but at least the kids are happy and entertained. I worked till I dropped. That was when I finally felt that I was volunteering :D I guess when you are older and busier (managing a bunch of different commitments), the effort you CAN put in is limited no matter how you WANT to. The effort you can put into volunteering will inevitably decrease. Not just because of time,  but also because of lower energy levels 😂😂 So, in order to make our event successful,  it became all about thinking on your feet.

The decided the itinerary and roles right on the spot. I- the more kiddy one of the group- got arrowed to be chief tour guide. Basically, I had to create the atmosphere and guide the kids to where the cross word puzzle clues are. So this introverted me switched gear and unleashed my childish side. I turned into that enthusiastic willy wonka-ish character.

"Hey kids!! The answer for Q2 is here~~!"
"Aww why don't you want to do the crossword, you win prizes you know!"
" wowww amazing!" (And really just showering them with praises and encouragement, just like a kindergarten teacher)

Also, I racked my brain really hard to remember all 20+ names..
...
30mins later, my spirit started leaving my body. I was sooooo drained. I struggled to put it back and continue acting enthusiastic.

And the returns were totally worth it. Around 1hr later, I made friends with around 10 kids (remember their names and everything). They would come to me and fight to hold my hand/ sit next to me. They would come to me and boast of how many questions they have completed. They would tell me stories of their life...

Looking at how these kids behave made me so nostalgic about my sweet innocent past. I.e.
- how kids would be fascinated by millipedes and other insects
- how kids would ask permission for every single thing (can I go toilet? Can I drink water?  Can I only eat half of this rice? )

Did I mention how it's my first time at river safari? I did not get much chill time to enjoy the scenery though.. it was just too hectic to. The coolest animal I saw was this fish that had a pinocchio-like nose :3 I didn't get to see the hippos though..

So, even though this event wasn't completely altruistic, everything turned out great. The kids had fun, I had fun. It was a great reunion too.

Peace out,
Jojo

Discovery of a whole new world

Having experienced being both confessor and confessee, I had some revelation with regards to the thing called love:

Love = Compatible fundamental values + physical attraction + chemistry

1. Compatible fundamental values
I think that for a relationship to be smooth-sailing and non dramatic, both parties fundamental values must be the same. If not, there will always be a unspeakable topic. This lack of openness will be very suffocating. I have heard of stories where couple just overlook certain differences in values..and they carry on their relationship for years. However, when it comes down the marriage, all these differences become re-evaluated and end up in breakups. All those wasted years and wasted deposit put to BTO...

A few years ago, I thought compatible values is all that is needed to like a person. "As long as basic criterias are met, I will like this person". NO. Someone confessed to me. He met those most of those basic criterias. He is the nicest person I know. But that does not necessarily translate to attraction. Im still not sure what it takes to nurture attraction. Time? Or is it predetermined? It is actually possible to like someone as a person, but not like him/her romantically. 

2. Attraction
I always thought I would accept any confession as long as the guy is brave enough to take the step. I have been rejected before so I know how much anxiety one would feel. I have a brother so I understand how hard it is for a guy to take that step. It is only when I am in the situation, that I realise I've been so naive. No matter how good a guy is, if there is no attraction, it is hard to say yes and move on to the next part of the relationship. My values just prevents me from leading a guy on/wasting his time.

But what is attraction?

I have always wanted to deny physical looks as a reason for liking someone because that is "superficial". But physical looks does come into play (abit). So superficial is not a bad thing, but really human nature! A person doesn't need to be super handsome to be liked. Rather his looks must meet the taste of the other. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone's beauty can also come hand in hand with his personality. Like I have friends who tell me what I think is pretty/cute is very weird 0.0 A terrier may not seem cute to others. Others might find a bull dog cute. But I will only be attracted to the terrier that I myself find adorable.

Attraction definitely needs to be there to escape the friend zone! If not, I really can't comprehend how one can kiss/hold hands with just a friend. I don't know how other girls can do it. Because every time I attempt thinking of doing it, I think I'll fall into darkness and lose pride in myself.

3. Chemistry
I suck at chemistry. I got C for chemistry in A' levels hahaha ha. . With compatible values and attraction, it's still not enough. Why did things not turn out well between me and Mr B? It's the lack of chemistry. Chemistry, in my opinion, is mutual like (both parties feel the attraction and have compatible values).

With me and Mr B, it's like petrol and cooking oil. We are similar, but we can't mix well. I feel the attraction but he doesn't. Sometimes I appreciate how Mr B rejected me and wanted to continue as friends. Because now, I understand how he felt when he was confessed to by a friend. Honestly, during the period when I was waiting for Mr B to reply my confession, I was afraid. Afraid because I was wondering what would happen when we really do date. Part of me knew that there's little chemistry.. Every time I see him, my mind goes blank (like some teenage crush -.-) How can I every sustain a good conversation when it's always like this! Now I realise that what I felt for Mr B, was probably just a crush (like looking at an interesting candy and wanting it for myself). A crush...  just doesn't work out. At this point, I can't logically imagine how it would! It's at most just eye candy/behaviour candy. How can I say I really like Mr B, when I gave up after a rejection? Isn't like/love something more persistent?  That must mean that I don't like him enough to move on to the next level. Rather, i feel that things are good enough as friends. With this, I can say I have truly moved on and matured from this.

So i think... for chemistry to happen, i need to have more casual hang outs and heart to heart talks. So as much as my introverted self hates talking about feelings, I need to do so. After all, love needs work. If I always keep my door closed,  how can I know anyone at all?

My thoughts on rejection
Looking back, rejection is not a bad thing at all. Being rejected doesn't mean you are not good enough a person. Being rejected shouldn't make you feel undesirable. It just means that there's no attraction/ chemistry. That's it.

In fact, rejection makes things much more efficient. Hahaha

Taking it slow and steady
It is a stressful world when you past age 20. It's like this age where you are supposed to be in a relationship. So that after several trial and failures,  you are in time to get married by age 26-28.

22 is when you are like "oh crap, in another 5 more years I'm supposed to be married already?". It's like a rude awakening to the world where aunt and uncles start asking "so meimei got boyfriend already?" For a period of time I was really anxious..

But now, I have reached a zen level. Don't need to rush it. Attraction and chemistry can't be planned or calculated. It's just about fate and staying open to life. For now, I'll enjoy this non-dramatic & chill life, with love and support from my friends and family. I mean, I have enough love from friends and family, I don't NEED a man (get the kpop references? XD) At most, I'll just get me a real terrier dog to accompany me during my old age hahaha ha #carefree #happygolucky

Just gonna go with the flow of life,
Jojo

The awkward encounters

So I have a senior in my workplace who is an alumni in Enactus  (his name is YM). I shall write down my series of awkward moments with him so that I can laugh about it in the distant distant future.

1. The name
You know when u r a junior of someone, you should at least know their name? But 2 weeks after I have worked with YM, I realised I have been calling him name all wrong!! Its not pronounced the typical han yu pin ying way, but by some dialect way.

Some fail junior. After that, for a few days, I had a internal battle whenever I had to call YM'S name. Because I felt so ashamed whenever I had to call his name! So for a few days, I called him by "erm"/"hey"/ "eh" LOL. 3 days later, I decided I was behaving rudely and called him the right way. Thank god he din call me out on it.

2. Having to swallow my stupid questions
You know when you carry the name "VP of Enactus ntu", you have a reputation to uphold? YM seemed to hold a very high opinion of my capabilities. So every time I had difficulties doing my work, I had to swallow down all the stupid questions. I would make sure I consider all possible solutions before I approached him. STRESS~

3. I did not know if other colleagues are supposed to know that we are both from the same club. So I refrained from talking about Enactus during lunch time. Even though I had burning questions to ask. Some stupid concern that was, thinking about it now..

4. Clearly,  YM and I are both introverts. So during one train ride home with him, the conversation was so awkward.. it may be because he's a senior and an alumni, that's why I din want to complain/whine in front of him.

Then there was one time I walked into the client's meeting room, and there YM was sitting in the dark 0.0 I did not know how to react to it, and awkwardly joined him in the semi dark room. Then we worked in silence... ...

5. Given the above series of events, I developed a tendency to want to avoid the awkwardness.

[context: Since yesterday, i have been sitting at level 15 for my new job. YM, on the other hand, usually sits at our office level 13, where all the people in my department sits. If not, he should be at client's place]

So today, I went to sit at level 15 (not purposely to avoid, but to sit with a senior I was working with on my current job). Shockingly, I saw YM sitting right beside the seat I was sitting the day before. Sheepishly, I went to another row of sits and sat there instead.

But god forbid. When u texted my senior where I was sitting, she said that she choped seat for us at the seats we sat at yesterday! Alamak moment. Time to face my awkward fears.. I (mentally) trudged back to the seat where YM was, and said my hellos.

Who knew, it wasn't as bad as I thought LOL. We said hi then mind our own business (like literally, went back to work IN SILENCE). I guess that's what it is like with a room of introverts.

This is actually quite hilarious,
Jojo