Motherhood

Now I am a blessed mother of 2 kids- a 3y/o son and 2 mth old daughter. Looking back and reflecting, motherhood is like being in a whirlwind. To stay sane in this whirlwind, you have to put on a shield of faith and use your mind's eye to treat the journey like riding the wind into a mysterious adventure. Amidst all the work, it is important to find the fun and remember a good, loving and faithful god. 

Stepping into motherhood is alot of learning and growth. Giving up of your own ego and really learning from scratch what it is like to serve with love. No longer being served at home but step into the role of serving. You will discover the joy of having your words, mannerism and love reflected right back through your child. I, the awkward one who never knew how to carry a kid, never thought i can love a little one so much until my have my own little one. I just want to witness all of my child's precious moments and fill him up with all the good things. If my love for my kids is limited by energy/time and then how much more wonderful must God's unconditional agape love be...? The God who treats us as His children.

Galatians 3:26

"For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus. "

The birth story

In year 2021, I welcomed my eldest son with surprise, optimism, naivety and pride. I attended all the prenatal classes and bought some baby things, thinking I was ready to take on the phase of motherhood. 

On a nice sunday, 2 weeks before my son's EDD, i attended church service with stronger than usual backache. I brushed it off with some back stretches, not realising that those pain I felt were nature's warning of impending birth. That same night, I felt the more intense backache- lightning zaps on my back. I used the massager unaware that those were contractions. Then it dawned on me " what exactly does birth contraction feel like? Is this unrelentless backache birth contractions?". I googled and focused my senses on what my body is feeling and came to the realisation that the pain were contraction that came as a certain frequency. So we took off with my birth bag and took a cab down to the hospital. I put on my earphone in the taxi to listen to hymns so tt I can focus on peace and calmness.

When we alighted from the cab, i felt a loosening of my hip and a stronger pain. Thinking it was a long birth battle, we went to kopitiam for a quick bite as i endured with pain. Once we got to the birth clinic, the nures commented that i was already 9cm dilated and ready for birth. 

I remember my son's birth to be quick and easy. Perry sang hymns right on my ear during my birthing endeavor. I followed the rhymthic contractions of my body and gave a couple of pushes. The nurses pushed my belly and out came my son in my the doctor commented to be an incredibly fast birth.

Was birthing so easy? It was super fast for me. How naive of me to thing that my work was done for it was merely the start of the journey of endless work for a mother.

My motherhood journey

At the hospital, i was taught how to breastfeed and care for the baby. That was when things went downhill. I discovered that I did not have normal nipples for breastfeeding and was advised to use nipple shield to help the baby latch better. The doctor told me my son has mild jaundice and needs another night of monitoring. I found myself in the hospital with a needy baby but unable to properly decipher the baby's body language to tell whether my son needs to poop/pee/milk/burp. As the days passed, the endless needs to be met rolled up in a mundane cycle of time, numbers and schedule. I even bought a watch to chain myself to the time, plans and schedule! My postpartum body felt like an old granny's which was further stressed by all the planning and an irregular sleep pattern. Many stressful thoughts entanged my mind:

 1) what if i lose my nipple shield/ nursing pillow? Are my baby and I going to die?

2) There's so many things I dont know, so many things to read, study and remember. The many breastfeeding positions, the various baby cues, nutrition & first-aid information for children, how to prepare food for children of different ages, what activities to do with kids for holistic development, various books on how to discipline kids

3) I can tahan somemore, dont need to bother others

4) Is what i am doing correct? What is the one right way?

5) Do i fridge the milk or freeze the milk or leave it out? When did i last pump? Do i need to pump now? I must remember when all the milk spoils, when i last pump, when baby last poop. I must record all the details so that I can pre-empt my baby needs. 

6) I made so many mistakes and cant remember anything. I am the worst mum ever.

That was when anxiety built up. I couldnt get rest even when my eyes were closed. My mind was busy buzzing with thoughts and nightmares. I was diagnosed with baby blues. In that condition, I was incredibly humbled by God--- i couldnt not remember things, I could not have peace or rest. My brain shut down so much that i could only process 1 instruction at a time like a robot. I was so zoned in, i lost sight of God's goodness and beauty 

I eventually overcomed depression with 

- lots of support & love from family, friends and ladies from church;

- lots of rest (by sleeping when the kids are sleeping to maximise my rest and time with the kids); 

- the song "Day by Day" which my husband wrote down for me to mediate one and clasping on to faith that god will bring me to another day. 

My discoveries

From this journey, i learnt:

#1: Seemingly mundane moments (of caring of baby's eat-burp-poop cycles) can be brightened up with music and imagination. Sing when changing dirty diapers. Find time to dance with music while trying to burp baby or walk baby to sleep. Music is a gift from God to brighten up the atmosphere, to heal and restore my spirit. Music unites and creates harmony in the family. How nice it is when every member can sing the same song (albeit slight out of tune and out of sync, but its still nice tt we can practise to sing in harmony) and is united by the same central belief. I find that sometimes singing to my kid is more for me than for them. Singing "Jesus loves me"/ "Safe in the arms of Jesus" hymn constantly reminds me of God's love when my body is tired and my soul needs rest. The hymn calms both me and my baby.

#2: Tomorrow is always daunting but remembering God's love and trusting tomorrow in His hand is what keeps my sanity together. When I had baby blues, i was fearful of the unknown tomorrow and doing something different from the typical schedule at home. I feared going out as it means unknown challenges, unknown baby feeding/changing locations. The fear trapped me in my house physically and mentally. Only when I was encouraged by family to step outside, did I start to breathe in the beauty of God's goodness (aka the real oxygen) and experience the grace & support of everyone around me. I came to see that I am not alone. I have a loving God, my family, my friends and my family in Christ. I learnt to just take it day by day and live by God's grace. We are imperfect humans with limited cognitive power. We can never truly know which kind of planning is best for the unknown tomorrow. So, referencing to the story of David & Goliath, just be brave and take that step of faith into tomorrow with a little "pebble" (representing whatever little things you can do in today) and let God accomplish what He will with you and the "pebble". I believe God trains us little by little to be ready for the challenges of tomorrow. Looking back, even though I am my parent's youngest child and has never had to care for a younger one in the family, I had several opportunities in my life to hone my skills in teaching little kids. Perhaps its God that led me to teaching jobs for kindergarten-primary kids or opening doors to leading a bunch of little kids around River Safari. All these little things connected and gave me some experience to teach and play with my son better. 

#3: Look at nature, find crevice of time to slow down and be still. As a mother, i find myself pushed from task to task, almost like I on circular conveyor belt, moving non-stop. Rarely, do i find myself truly relieved of task and be totally alone. When im in the toilet, my son comes knocking and talking. When im in the shower, there's a kid waiting for me to come out to feed/play. All the more, its important to be still whenever possible. 

E.g. to just lie down on the playground slide with the kids and simply enjoy the wind together/ look at the scenary together whilst walking. 

E.g. taking a moment (a few seconds?) to just appreciate a nice plate of food that's prepared

E.g. instead of rushing to clean up/fussing over mess, to really just enjoy a happily sleeping and sated little kid and be thankful that he/she is growing healthily by God's grace

E.g. just sitting on the sofa and observing the kid play and marvel at how far we all have come as a family

#4: Accept help. I am a total noobie and i should ask for/accept help. When younger, I endeavored to be like my supermum to manage it all without a helper. Now, i realise that was pride and overconfidence in me talking. With amateur cooking skills, no baby caring experience, having no help at all is a recipe for disaster. I tried to do it all even though my mother in law was here to help, too paiseh to ask for help or to communicate what is needed so that we can find our mother in law- daughter in law rhythm. Time has taught me to just politely seek help and give my appreciation with some thank you or a cup of koi. When my mother in law broke her arm in an untimely accident, we had to welcome a last minute nanny (thank God we found one) and scramble to find a maid (thank God my mother in law has experience in this area and helped out in sourcing for one as I was still battling baby blues then). Despite my failings, God's grace came through all the people around me- whether through encouraging "How are you"' from church, fellowshipping with the ladies going through the same difficulties, visits from friends and family to help with the house/ look after the baby. My depressed self wanted to hide in my house all alone but that's was not healthy. When my husband helped me open up and welcomed visitors to our house, the kindness of others and the listening ears of my friends pulled me out of the darkness. God designed man for fellowship and not a lone island. With a maid and mother in law around the house, i learning alot of tips and tricks (e.g. using of sarong, cheats in cooking a fast meal etc). So its important to stay humble, open up my ears and keep a learning attitude.

In addition, breastfeeding is not an easy journey for me as I did not have the normal nipples for feeding. Nonetheless, I persisted as it was something that clicked with me (the cuteness when my little baby finally managed to latch on and suck till he/she is happily sated). So I had to be open to having professionals to massage my boobs 0.o to observe how I have been breastfeeding my baby and give correcting tips. Through expert advice, I learnt how amazingly and wonderfully God create the woman's body for childcaring

A) The versatile breasts to store milk at the perfect temperature for baby need. The breast learns the milk needs of a baby and adapts accordingly! So simply pump out when the breast feel full or pump out when going out. For a full time breasting mum, storing of milk is as simple as just freezing all excess for donation. If I wish to train the kid on bottle feeding, then just pump right a bottle right before escaping the house for a couple of hours. The breasts is my baby's pillow, food and comfort-- a super gift from God

B) Our arms are wonderfully created to allow breastfeeding in a side lying position. When i sleep & feed my child in a side lying position on the bed, the arm is a useful tool as a pillow for myself and to angle the children's head. When i feed my child in the same position on the floor, i find my arm a useful tool as a pillow for my baby. The distance between arm to boob is perfectly designed

C) Our thighs and calves work in a wonderful harmony during breastfeeding. They are nature's "nursing pillow". I can simply rest my baby on my thighs, use my calves and back to adjust the angles (add my elbow if needed) to free up my hands for other work.

D) Our hands is not just one lump, but comes with 10 fingers. The fingers come into great use when we had to syringe feed my son (when he could not breastfeed yet)

E) Our soft stomach is a nice big bolster for baby to hug and sleep on

F) The hormonal system of balance to stop menstruation while breastfeeding. How nice to not deal with all the blood while we are already dealing with milk, spits, vomit and poop :P

G) The natural birth control for breastfeeding mums. I didnt get menstruation during the fill 2.5years i was breastfeeding my son. It seems to be nature's way of preventing a mum from being overwhelmed with too many kids. Its also amazing how naturally my son weaned off breastfeeding when I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter. I explained to him we had to stop breastfeeding at night as my milk supply is almost gone. My son confirmed for himself that I was no longer making milk and adapted to it without fuss! I am still amazed by this today as I had prepared myself for tantrums and crying. I am so glad that there were none.

#5: Accept imperfection. Some days we just can't do everything perfect. We forget something or we say the wrong things. Forgive yourself and learn from the mistakes. Give yourself time to develop a new set of habits (i.e.bringing out a readily packed baby bag with wet tissues, diapers, clothes and nursing cover all the time before leaving with kids; automatically finding your baby to breastfeed after a few moments of being occupied with something else). I am reminded of this verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.". So in weak moments, rely on God's strength and provision. I may be an insufficient mum but God will guide and teach me what to do and how to grow. God is my shepherd and I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. (Psalms 23)

#6: Listen but find the way that works for you because there is no one way. Different mums have different values and habits and preferences. So listen to their tips but dont worry too much if it doesnt work for you. At the start, I met with contrary advices from mums. Eventually, I kind of just learn to forget pleasing everyone. I learnt to just find a balance from all the advice given  and find my own rhymth. I pat myself for little successes and discoveries & thank god grace each new eureka moment.

#7: Stop the TV and the mindless scrolling through social media. You realise how useless these things are when you run out of time and life requires you to relook your priorities. TV and social media are the daily temptation for me. I am currently making a daily effort to replace them with filling of good things in my mind and spending quality time with kids yield better fruits for the future. (I am so glad we dont have a TV in our living room. Thats a big box of temptation leading to hours of mindless entertainment and cultivation of weeds in my brain). After i limited my Tv time and replace with reading, writing and reflecting, i can feel my mind starting to bloom and develop.

Cheers to life,

Jojo

(Thank god for my sleeping princess, if not i wont be able to accomplish this post! Hahahah)

My son pleasantly surprised me today

Thanks to my BFF, im reminded that I have this blog as an outlet for my rantings and a platform for me to document stories and memories. 

Today, I am writing about 2 things my son surprised me on.

1) His response after a caning session 

My son is 3 years old now. Now, he is able to use his hands and legs however he wants. No longer weak/dependent on others, his little hands and feet has the power to create or destroy at his will. We instructed him on the rules of the house, bible lessons on what God says about duty of parents in disciplining children and what are the 7 cardinal sins that tempts us daily. After spending much effort laying the necessary foundation (my son's understanding of God's words to little children on obedience to parents and basic understanding of the 7 heavenly virtues), the day has come to start with the ROD.

"He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24).
 "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15)

 

Today, he defiantly disobeyed his nainai (i.e. grandma) by using a highlighter to scribble on a blackboard. The more we said to stop, the more he continued. When physically stopped from his act of rebel, he threw stuff on the floor and hit nainai out of frustration. My helper stepped in to calm him down and talk reason with him. As this panned out before my eyes, my mind quickly contempted whether the rod should be used. He has broken 3 out of the 5 house rules explained (hurting others, act of violence by throwing things, disobedience even after warning). Then I thought.. " its my job to do my job as a mum-- this is a time for disciplining"

Off I went to find something resembling a rod, a chopstick. I grabbed hold of my struggling son and calmly hit him twice on his little hands with the chopstick. As expected, lots of crying. Then I carried him to a room to hug him, reassure him and teach him. While hugging him, I reassured him that I am hitting because I love him and God instructed me to use the rod to discipline him. We love him so we want to correcr him and let his hands remember disobedience and violence are wrong. I reasoned with him that God did not allow him to hit his nainai and that destroying things is bad. Slowly, he calmed down and wanted to leave the room to continue playing again. 

I reminded him to say sorry to his nainai. He refused initially. So i gave him some time till he was ready. He said he didnt know how to say sorry. He went his way..not sure what was in his little mind as he went to find something for his meimei. Eventually, after some reminder, encouragement and instruction, he said sorry and hugged his nainai.

I remember when i got caned by my mum when I was young, I felt sad and frustrated with my mum and wanted to distance away myself from my mum --the source of all that hitting & anger.  So thats what I had expected after disciplining my son.

To my pleasant surprise, my son joined me gladly in an exploration of a "zoo" (a display of soft toys on the shelf). Thereafter,  i had hours of fun playing on a mattress, imagining that we are on a boat to several lands (e.g. zoo, rainbow land, rubbish bin). I never expected having such a nice simple fun with my son right after a caning session.

Perhaps this is how the rod is supposed to be used. To be used in patience and intentional words of love, never out of anger. Surely the rod of correction will reflect God's mercy, longsuffering and love. 

2) His reply to my energy-drained body

After much fun with our imaginations, i was totally zapped out of energy and yet with many other tasks to do -- breastfeed my younger daughter, lunch, bathe.

After his lunch, my son came in looking to continue our adventure while i was still recharging my energy. Worn out, i honestly told him "i need to feed meimei, eat finish my lunch and some time to rest.." He responded with a schedule "1. Feed meimei. 2. Eat ur corn. 3. Sit on a boat with percy, okay?"

I was surprised. No tantrum, no fighting for attention with meimei. Rather, he scheduled himself last in my list of things to do. My son, learning empathy bit by bit :3 How nice to see some of our little teaching lessons and bible lessons growing good stuff inside my son. 

May the word of God bloom in my son, my family and me. Thank you, my God, for opening my eyes to see the goodness in your instruction.

The not-so-glamorous life at age 23

Being a young adult is not as glamorous as it seems on media.

I thought that when I become a young adult, I would have lots of money to spend. I can buy whatever clothes I want, go overseas whenever I want. I will have a meaningful job, which will become part of my brand-new i-am-a-valuable-member-of-society identity. This job will be one where I can steadily climb up the ranks, with all the preparation and skill training I had in high school and university. I will (somehow) achieve work life balance.

BUT NO. I have opened my eyes to reality.  With adulthood, comes..

1. Dealing with loss
When you become older, it means that your parents, favourite aunts and uncles and grandparents become old as well. I have come to realised that my parents and their siblings have reached an age when they health will start to deteriorate. Cholestrol issues, heart problem, cancer, diabetes... all the health issues I have studied in biology and had thought would only happen to a handful of people... are the issues are have struck my loved ones. You never know when a cancer cell will start to activate or when the illness will escalate to the point that your loved one will be hospitalised. My parents used to be the financial pillars of my family. They are almost like superheros. To see them, the people i look up to, weakened is quite saddening. I cannot image the future where I switch roles with them and become the superhero instead. Worse, i cannot imagine the day when they are physically leave my life and join the spiritual world. Sure we can comfort ourselves and believe that they are in heaven but it doesn't change the feeling of loss.

Things that I am used to have changed. The new year when we always do the same old thing - visiting our grandparents house- will be different this year. I now know that every decade, things will never stay constant. The things I like, the practices I like will never never be there forever.

My siblings have gotten married and are starting to move on to a brand to phase in life and start their own family. The time we can spend together is not a frequent as when we were kids. We can no longer just say "hey lets go for movies" and all be free on that day at the same time. We are all busy with work and our other social lives Just scheduling a common day to hang out is tough.. This is especially so for me when my sibling sometimes works on weekends.. I guess I am worried that my closeness with my jiejie and korkor will decline a few years later. A few years later, we will not just be limited by amount of time can we spend with each other, but also be separated physically in where we live.

Not just loss of loved ones, but with age, we also deal with the loss of energy levels and spirit. The thorny path of adult life - be it work stress, family problems, social life problems, keeps beating us down and try to dampen our spirit. Life is no longer as easy as relying on your parents because now we have to be indepedent. Life is no longer just failing papers and being scolded, for failures may just threaten our personal reputation and career prospect (which the  affects our survival and lifestyle). As a young adult, i struggle to maintain my spirit. There are days i feel like a mindless robot doing things for survival. They are other good days where I enjoy what I do.

2. Climbing up the career ladder aint that easy
Its all about EQ + IQ and they are so many people out that with both of them.. while i still struggle with this rigid, scary workaholic image which I tend to exude out whenever I am focused at work.. I am still brushing up my EQ (i.e. how to not let client bully you. How to successfully persuade client to do stuff and not let them push the work right back at you -.- all these tricky stuff x.x) Let's just say my education only prepared by only ~30% for this. Sometimes I still feel like a newborn baby deer in the working world.

3. Money issues
Most of my income have been used for paying off school loans and supporting the family and surviving. Minus off necessary saving for insurance.. i have no spare cashflow for retirement, house savings etc Dont even get me started on how much investment Singapore Qualification Programme requires...Haiz.. I cant even think about that glamorous lifestyle of buying whatever i want and trying out whatever new things I fancy. At least not till i get a few more promotions.

4. Work life balance
What is work life balance when sometimes you are so worn out from work that you just want to shut everyone out and do nothing (aka be a no lifer) LOL

Gotta sleep already so i guess I shall rant till here.

Thoughtful,
Jojo

The feeling of being "scheduled in"

There was a time when I was busy. Tuition; studies; official work (audit life ain't that chill to begin with). Even with all that going on, I had to squeeze in some social life too! And I would put hang-out invitations on waiting list. I am a very structured person. So in my mind, i wanted to keep everything nicely scheduled and well balanced. Some time for study, some me time, some time for family, some time for case buddies, some time for making new friends out of colleagues, some time for other friends. With all these in mind,  I told my case buddies clique something like

"Now that im working, i think i can only make it for an outing once every month"

Then I was kinda chided by kc for sounding like I'm too busy for friends/ they are not very important anymore. I didn't understand it at that time. But now I'm seeing everything with a fresh new perspective - the one being "scheduled in"

It really do sucks to feel so "scheduled in" by busy friends. Am I begging for attention? Why do I feel somewhat like a eunuch who is graced by your few hours of time? In your sea of friends, am I way down your priority list? Should I even try to beg for hanging out even again?

All these are really irrational, selfish thoughts. Objectively, I do understand that the act of making time for a friend is good enough. But these are feelings I can't seem to shake off. I suppose when you reach adulthood, friendship becomes something more. Not just people who are linked to each other by circumstance, but something you really have to put in effort to maintain (especially when you are busier than ever) I suppose, more than ever, you just want friends who cherish you as much as you cherish them.

Is there even a point in calling each other friends, when the friendship is going to an end when things get inconvenient? I suppose I think this way because I'm an introvert who find it hard to make friends with people. For now, I guess i have to stay positive and just what to grasp on to every strand of friendship I have, and hope it's reciprocated :P

Let's hope case buddies and what few friendships I have endure the test of time,
Jojo

P.s sometimes I really applaud people who takes the first step and organise meet ups. It's not an easy role to be in.. being the one who bugs every one their preferred time etc.

River Safari Reunion

A few weeks ago, the good old chairman of Icube (this external volunteering interest group I joined back in my junior college days) called back the alumni, hoping to do a reunion project.

The planning stage
I found it odd that the main purpose of the project was for our reunion. Like at first, we wanted to revive our flagship project - the recycling drive. Im pretty sure everyone was worried about the volunteer recruitment part (because why would university students do such saigang work with no CIP incentive?!) But big boss CC (we call him CC) was busy flying all around the world and couldnt make it to the meetings. So we all went with it for a few weeks... i even did up the marketing materials.. until we finally meet up to thrash out all the issues.

That's when we suddenly switch gears, and changed our project into something that required less manpower & allow everyone to create good memories. Haha in Enactus words, something that is desirable, feasible and viable: an outing to River Safari with disadvantaged children. And of course, the poster and banner I designed never got to see the light of the day :/ I did not really feel good about how the planning went and how partially self-motivated everything was. After all, I learnt that social project should come after need analysis, not out of no where.. But then I had to recognise the dark truth- we did not have the time nor the resources anymore. We cant do recce like we did/ needs analysis research like before. So we applied the quick and easy formula- outing + VWO (like most befriending social projects out there)

Every thing about the planning was very half assed cuz we ain't as free as we were before! (I had already started work right when they decided to switch project agenda). We really did wing it😂😂 right until the day of execution, no one knew where to meet, the names of the teachers or the kids, NOT EVEN THE outing itinerary!! I was worried that this volunteering outing would turn out a disaster. I stayed out of the planning part most of the time so it did not even feel like volunteerism anymore (rather, it felt like some spontaneous clique gathering) 0.0

River Safari Day
But things turned out better than I thought! It was chaotic, but at least the kids are happy and entertained. I worked till I dropped. That was when I finally felt that I was volunteering :D I guess when you are older and busier (managing a bunch of different commitments), the effort you CAN put in is limited no matter how you WANT to. The effort you can put into volunteering will inevitably decrease. Not just because of time,  but also because of lower energy levels 😂😂 So, in order to make our event successful,  it became all about thinking on your feet.

The decided the itinerary and roles right on the spot. I- the more kiddy one of the group- got arrowed to be chief tour guide. Basically, I had to create the atmosphere and guide the kids to where the cross word puzzle clues are. So this introverted me switched gear and unleashed my childish side. I turned into that enthusiastic willy wonka-ish character.

"Hey kids!! The answer for Q2 is here~~!"
"Aww why don't you want to do the crossword, you win prizes you know!"
" wowww amazing!" (And really just showering them with praises and encouragement, just like a kindergarten teacher)

Also, I racked my brain really hard to remember all 20+ names..
...
30mins later, my spirit started leaving my body. I was sooooo drained. I struggled to put it back and continue acting enthusiastic.

And the returns were totally worth it. Around 1hr later, I made friends with around 10 kids (remember their names and everything). They would come to me and fight to hold my hand/ sit next to me. They would come to me and boast of how many questions they have completed. They would tell me stories of their life...

Looking at how these kids behave made me so nostalgic about my sweet innocent past. I.e.
- how kids would be fascinated by millipedes and other insects
- how kids would ask permission for every single thing (can I go toilet? Can I drink water?  Can I only eat half of this rice? )

Did I mention how it's my first time at river safari? I did not get much chill time to enjoy the scenery though.. it was just too hectic to. The coolest animal I saw was this fish that had a pinocchio-like nose :3 I didn't get to see the hippos though..

So, even though this event wasn't completely altruistic, everything turned out great. The kids had fun, I had fun. It was a great reunion too.

Peace out,
Jojo

Discovery of a whole new world

Having experienced being both confessor and confessee, I had some revelation with regards to the thing called love:

Love = Compatible fundamental values + physical attraction + chemistry

1. Compatible fundamental values
I think that for a relationship to be smooth-sailing and non dramatic, both parties fundamental values must be the same. If not, there will always be a unspeakable topic. This lack of openness will be very suffocating. I have heard of stories where couple just overlook certain differences in values..and they carry on their relationship for years. However, when it comes down the marriage, all these differences become re-evaluated and end up in breakups. All those wasted years and wasted deposit put to BTO...

A few years ago, I thought compatible values is all that is needed to like a person. "As long as basic criterias are met, I will like this person". NO. Someone confessed to me. He met those most of those basic criterias. He is the nicest person I know. But that does not necessarily translate to attraction. Im still not sure what it takes to nurture attraction. Time? Or is it predetermined? It is actually possible to like someone as a person, but not like him/her romantically. 

2. Attraction
I always thought I would accept any confession as long as the guy is brave enough to take the step. I have been rejected before so I know how much anxiety one would feel. I have a brother so I understand how hard it is for a guy to take that step. It is only when I am in the situation, that I realise I've been so naive. No matter how good a guy is, if there is no attraction, it is hard to say yes and move on to the next part of the relationship. My values just prevents me from leading a guy on/wasting his time.

But what is attraction?

I have always wanted to deny physical looks as a reason for liking someone because that is "superficial". But physical looks does come into play (abit). So superficial is not a bad thing, but really human nature! A person doesn't need to be super handsome to be liked. Rather his looks must meet the taste of the other. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone's beauty can also come hand in hand with his personality. Like I have friends who tell me what I think is pretty/cute is very weird 0.0 A terrier may not seem cute to others. Others might find a bull dog cute. But I will only be attracted to the terrier that I myself find adorable.

Attraction definitely needs to be there to escape the friend zone! If not, I really can't comprehend how one can kiss/hold hands with just a friend. I don't know how other girls can do it. Because every time I attempt thinking of doing it, I think I'll fall into darkness and lose pride in myself.

3. Chemistry
I suck at chemistry. I got C for chemistry in A' levels hahaha ha. . With compatible values and attraction, it's still not enough. Why did things not turn out well between me and Mr B? It's the lack of chemistry. Chemistry, in my opinion, is mutual like (both parties feel the attraction and have compatible values).

With me and Mr B, it's like petrol and cooking oil. We are similar, but we can't mix well. I feel the attraction but he doesn't. Sometimes I appreciate how Mr B rejected me and wanted to continue as friends. Because now, I understand how he felt when he was confessed to by a friend. Honestly, during the period when I was waiting for Mr B to reply my confession, I was afraid. Afraid because I was wondering what would happen when we really do date. Part of me knew that there's little chemistry.. Every time I see him, my mind goes blank (like some teenage crush -.-) How can I every sustain a good conversation when it's always like this! Now I realise that what I felt for Mr B, was probably just a crush (like looking at an interesting candy and wanting it for myself). A crush...  just doesn't work out. At this point, I can't logically imagine how it would! It's at most just eye candy/behaviour candy. How can I say I really like Mr B, when I gave up after a rejection? Isn't like/love something more persistent?  That must mean that I don't like him enough to move on to the next level. Rather, i feel that things are good enough as friends. With this, I can say I have truly moved on and matured from this.

So i think... for chemistry to happen, i need to have more casual hang outs and heart to heart talks. So as much as my introverted self hates talking about feelings, I need to do so. After all, love needs work. If I always keep my door closed,  how can I know anyone at all?

My thoughts on rejection
Looking back, rejection is not a bad thing at all. Being rejected doesn't mean you are not good enough a person. Being rejected shouldn't make you feel undesirable. It just means that there's no attraction/ chemistry. That's it.

In fact, rejection makes things much more efficient. Hahaha

Taking it slow and steady
It is a stressful world when you past age 20. It's like this age where you are supposed to be in a relationship. So that after several trial and failures,  you are in time to get married by age 26-28.

22 is when you are like "oh crap, in another 5 more years I'm supposed to be married already?". It's like a rude awakening to the world where aunt and uncles start asking "so meimei got boyfriend already?" For a period of time I was really anxious..

But now, I have reached a zen level. Don't need to rush it. Attraction and chemistry can't be planned or calculated. It's just about fate and staying open to life. For now, I'll enjoy this non-dramatic & chill life, with love and support from my friends and family. I mean, I have enough love from friends and family, I don't NEED a man (get the kpop references? XD) At most, I'll just get me a real terrier dog to accompany me during my old age hahaha ha #carefree #happygolucky

Just gonna go with the flow of life,
Jojo

The awkward encounters

So I have a senior in my workplace who is an alumni in Enactus  (his name is YM). I shall write down my series of awkward moments with him so that I can laugh about it in the distant distant future.

1. The name
You know when u r a junior of someone, you should at least know their name? But 2 weeks after I have worked with YM, I realised I have been calling him name all wrong!! Its not pronounced the typical han yu pin ying way, but by some dialect way.

Some fail junior. After that, for a few days, I had a internal battle whenever I had to call YM'S name. Because I felt so ashamed whenever I had to call his name! So for a few days, I called him by "erm"/"hey"/ "eh" LOL. 3 days later, I decided I was behaving rudely and called him the right way. Thank god he din call me out on it.

2. Having to swallow my stupid questions
You know when you carry the name "VP of Enactus ntu", you have a reputation to uphold? YM seemed to hold a very high opinion of my capabilities. So every time I had difficulties doing my work, I had to swallow down all the stupid questions. I would make sure I consider all possible solutions before I approached him. STRESS~

3. I did not know if other colleagues are supposed to know that we are both from the same club. So I refrained from talking about Enactus during lunch time. Even though I had burning questions to ask. Some stupid concern that was, thinking about it now..

4. Clearly,  YM and I are both introverts. So during one train ride home with him, the conversation was so awkward.. it may be because he's a senior and an alumni, that's why I din want to complain/whine in front of him.

Then there was one time I walked into the client's meeting room, and there YM was sitting in the dark 0.0 I did not know how to react to it, and awkwardly joined him in the semi dark room. Then we worked in silence... ...

5. Given the above series of events, I developed a tendency to want to avoid the awkwardness.

[context: Since yesterday, i have been sitting at level 15 for my new job. YM, on the other hand, usually sits at our office level 13, where all the people in my department sits. If not, he should be at client's place]

So today, I went to sit at level 15 (not purposely to avoid, but to sit with a senior I was working with on my current job). Shockingly, I saw YM sitting right beside the seat I was sitting the day before. Sheepishly, I went to another row of sits and sat there instead.

But god forbid. When u texted my senior where I was sitting, she said that she choped seat for us at the seats we sat at yesterday! Alamak moment. Time to face my awkward fears.. I (mentally) trudged back to the seat where YM was, and said my hellos.

Who knew, it wasn't as bad as I thought LOL. We said hi then mind our own business (like literally, went back to work IN SILENCE). I guess that's what it is like with a room of introverts.

This is actually quite hilarious,
Jojo

A better-than-expected Graduation

My graduation day was one chaotic day. It was a jam-packed schedule of ceremony, rushing around to take photo with friends and family, family dinner, rushing to photoshoot then rushing to tuition. Nonetheless, it was much better than I thought I would be!

Before graduation day, I was thinking everything is just a chore and was just dreading it, thinking the worse case scenario - no friends to take photo with. "Just a belated ceremony that people do for the sake of it".

But no, it was actually much more exciting. The amazement as you look at the teacher donned in cool robes, the anticipation as you wait for your friends turn to shine in stage, the doki-doki feeling when you are standby on the stage. The feeling when they read "Toh Si Ling Jocelyn" and I was like "omg why is the man stand so far away.. do I reach for his hand now? Now? What about now?" Then the awesome feeling when I look at my cert ^^

Then when I got out, I got a nice surprise when a good high school friend, Vivian,  gave us flowers! It did not even cross my mind that I will be receiving anything! I was just so grateful she even came. Not only vivian, but so did eemin, jingqi and my family. My family is like the super practical kind. So the fact that they all took leave to come down was like SUPER RARE (my parents never came for PTA meeting or anything since I'm always such a reliable and good student) Not only did they come down, they bought this super cute (yet expensive) $80 graduation bear. Today I hug it everyday to utilise every cent they spent. Can't do that for flowers tho.. I guess the flowers will just have to stay pristine in my memories LOL

Onward to the family photoshoot. We had to take the family shot first. However, everyone was so tense. Then the photography was like "boss, lady boss, why no smile??" Then my dad was like "cannot smile, my teeth very ugly" lol.  I was super tensed up, worried that if I move a muscle, a hair will go out of place or my head will become unaligned or the angle will just be off. They even gave me 4 ceramic tiles to step on so that everyone's height will be the same. Heels + 4 tiles is not easy to balance on..

Soon, it was my turn for the individual shot. For people who know me, I don't really know how to smile. My smile will always be just all teeth or just awkward. When I took my first shot, I literally, broke the camera light. The room went into complete blackout LOL. Thanks to the blackout, my family managed to sneak some photos with some of the other props haha (because no photography is allowed in the studio). I was so in love with this huge bear prop. The bear is big and taller than me AND totally huggable #lifegoals

I guess that just sums up my graduation

A truly independent adult now,
Jojo

Love for harmony

Today, yuen kun and I rekindled our love for harmony. In our high school days we would hide under the school staircase or some empty toilet to learn our harmonies.

So, #throwback,
we hid at the empty part of the bus interchange to learn "I see the light" (it's stuck in my head the past week).

Then we felt stifled and awkward because when we harmonised, our voices would sound louder and people would hear us 0.0 In the end, we decided to go to Bukit Timah Hill, where is tranquil and quiet. Alas, it started drizzling. So we had to stand at this random roadside near my house (where there are less people) and figure out the harmonies. It's nice to have a soul sister who buay paiseh singing out in the public and spend hours figuring out harmonies! Hahaha

Rejuvenated for another week of work,
Jojo

Time to be more courageous

-refer to picture-

I was reading this scene of the mana recently (yes..a childish guilty pleasure.. but the story development is fast and easy to keep up for my busy schedule)

So inspired! You know moments when you have lunch with your superiors. You wanna say something but is too afraid to say it for fear of looking stupid... that's me everyday at work during the lunch period. I never understood why some people- the extroverts- can speak their mind and talk about some random topics. But now I realised that it's really about having the courage to be hurt :0

Even inviting friends to my graduation convocation, took days of pondering. Like "would they be burdened" "would this sound desperate" "what if they dao".. I seem to be reverting back into my naturally timid self. What happened to that brave Enactus Project Leader, who said whatever to get things done.. During that period, i probably tuned out all my anxiety and fear and chunked them out as "inefficient" emotions. But thats not completely right either.. It's a constant struggle to be sensitive but honest!

Mental note to be braver,
Jojo

Dreams

Since there's nothing much to do on the bus, I shall blog haha. I find blogging a good way to remember things. I tend to have short term memory regarding my own life 0.0

So I was watching a YouTube ads by SK two. I only watched to because it was featuring Japanese women and their dreams. Listening to Japanese is just like music to my ears <3 In this ad, japanese housewives were being counselled. But the cousellor was actually wearing earphones and repeating comments by little kids. The ad is so touching because it showed how adult tend to give up their dreams for the mundane things like housework, looking after kids and work etc. I made me rethink like how I was when I was a kid- with endless curiosity and dreams.

What's my dream? It's probably things like trying out new things, go explore new places, try new food. Bungee, learn piano, I still like being a doctor and learn about illnesses though.. doing something to make a huge impact on the world (or some impact, some is good lols).... I find that to pursue such dreams, one needs:

1. To remind ourselves what makes us happy and what drives us. And not be like mindless drones working ourselves to death. I have that workaholic tendency because my pride is tied to the responsibilities I bear . Typical A-type personality.

2. Courage. The courage to pursue these dreams yourself. I guess it's hard to find someone who can live through these dreams with you. Especially when you are older and friends have their own dreams to pursue and things to do. I can't imagine taking classes my myself with a bunch of strangers, nor doing bungee jumping myself like an anti social kid. However, I'm just worried if I keep waiting, I'll never achieve these dreams.

Coincidentally, I bought a friendship necklace with Angela today. Hopefully that will remind me to stay bright and dream big

Cheers,
Jojo

Entering the life of the adults

1. Money management
Honestly, it's not true that adults have more money no. I am poorer than ever. Working doubly hard but with only half the budget I used to have. During my university days, I had $20 pocket money and tuition income and my money flowed like water. I never bothered counting the charge or notice how much my meal cost. Now it's like strict budgeting and recording down my expenses so that I don't overspend. Well with all the school loan, bills, insurance needs, money for parents, retirement saving/family planning needs... life just got real. So nope, life is not that glamorous on this side.

2. The nostalgia
-Meeting up primary school friends and seeing how different they all are and how wavelengths have changed, it's quite lonely. It's like... wow now you drive, club, have boyfriend and stuff? All the commonality we used to have are all gone. It's a confusing world- used to be close, but so different now. Didn't we use to chat and visit each other houses everyday?

-the band people I used to be part of but not totally well acquainted with: I always want to join in the meetings. But I can only remember the time when I went, and was only forgotten and lost. I did not get any of the inside jokes and was just awkward sitting there trying to figure things out. I missed too much to suddenly join in now :/

- Friendship made in the past: I wonder if they were only made out of convenience due to circumstances. We were classmates, in the same room, during the same things and many opportunities to come together and talk. Only few of such friendships are resilient and become lasting. I try to hold on tight to these friendship and meet different friends as frequent as possible. But, do these friends cherish me as I cherish them? Or I am just being possessive and unwilling to let go of the past?

3. The daunting new working environment
I feared entering a new environment. During my school break, I was worried over lack of conversation, being left out and having no friends. However things turned out brilliantly. I made kinda-friends  (we haven't hang out much beyond work hours but at least I feel like there is this support group there). I have people to eat with everyday. And during lunch i have interesting conversation with these new people. I definitely am having fun doing different new things, taking a peek into the inner workings on each company I'm posted to :3 I pray things remain this perfect

4. The new body clock
Waking up at 7 plus is like a normal thing now. Even for weekend I wake up naturally at 7-8am. It is a miracle! I am amazed at how well I am adapting to this new and healthy lifestyle!

5. Image management
Ever since my leadership role in Enactus, i am becoming so conscious of not being too task oriented, judgemental or cold. I smile a lot and try to help others out while I can. I try to listen to others views and memorise it really hard (because I am so bad with name and remembering details of day to day conversations).

Being misunderstood is such a sad thing. To think my Enactus peers and team members used to think of me as unapproachable/cold/ something I am not...(just because I am introverted and task oriented).. oh wellz at least I learnt a lot from this experience. I learnt to pay more attention to people and up my EQ at least hahaha.
My friend's girlfriend thinks I'm stealing him from her. For people to have such a negative image of me, I must have done something wrong to set a bad impression. It's a sad thing to start off with the wrong foot and be always so misunderstood. Hope I can somehow clean up this image..

6. The focus on how you look
People in the central business district all look so chic, with nicely groomed eyebrows, nice skin, nice clothes. The need to wear makeup all the time. Even the best friend who starts wearing makeup all the time. Reality check: I have to wear makeup now whether I like it or not.

So on a whim, I went to get my brows done. By done, I mean trimmed so that it's less bushy and more chic. I went to this brows place I saw last time and ask

Me: 修眉 (eyebrow treading), 有吗?
Her: 绣眉( eyebrow embroidery aka almost like tattooing) plus design, have! $15

Me, new to this world, didn't hear the difference in technical terms, went along with it. Before I knew it, half my eyebrows were done. I looked more crayon chan as ever. Then I HAD to get the eyebrow tattooing deal for $550 =.= bye bye money, more starvation this month.. at least I got killer eyebrows now. Sharp enough to kill hahaha. I knew I had the right to get angry with the aunty for cutting half my brows away, but I just couldn't get mad. I hate conflicts. Also, they looked like they barely had business, working just to make ends meet.

Yep, finally got all these new experiences and thought blogged down (like I intended to  5 days ago..) Ready to sleep now!

Till next time,
Jojo

My best friend is leaving for 3 months

After the adrenalin rush for cca recruitment week, orientation camp, first few week of settling into school, I suddenly feel very dispirited. 

1. Maybe I haven't been getting alot of sleep and me-time lately
2. My best friend is going away for winter exchange to Taiwan. My comfort zone has officially left Singapore :/

-the tribute post to ange starts now-

I started feeling the impact of having my BFF missing in action a few days ago, when I signed up for the free one-month membership at Kfit. This kfit membership allows me to join zumba/yoga classes, escape room, megazip adventures adventures at sentosa for FREE. 6hours later, I cancelled that membership, realising that my BFF will be going to taiwan. That means no one who will be on enough to follow along with my whims. No one who would see me as a number 1 priority. They would probably say "maybe" while they wait for other possible outing invitations ._. No one who would just come my house to chill (ie sing with a computer/lego/ gym/ cook). There's case budz... but even my case budz friends have other priorities..

For the first time in 8 years, we will be skipping out on our semesterly routine of studying together at libraries. We would not have lunch together every other week. I would not be physically with ange as she uncover a new experience in her life. Neither will she be physically with me as I brave through the Enactus storms ahead. It's a whole new test to our 8 year friendship!

Ange probably never knew how important she is in my life. She is like my sister. This is very mushy to say.. but ange has become my courage to make friends. Alone, I feel like I'm facing strangers who would judge me. Together,  I feel less need to control my image. I feel empowered enough to want to include new people into our lives.

I'm really glad to have case budz with me while ange is gone. Case budz has become one of my most cherished relationship. And I can't help but think that ange played a huge role in bringing all of us together. Haiz. . So emo... Anyway, i hope case budz can stay strong even after 10 years!! Then we can have an anniversary party~~

Apprehensive about the journey ahead,
Jojo

I hate "Maybe"

This past week, the word "maybe" has been going round and round my head. I really detest this word. What is "Maybe"? Why can't it be a clear "yes" or "no"
OR suggesting alternative options
OR even conditional response like "I can if..."

"Maybe" is like a cowardly response for "no I don't want to" but I'm cowardly to say no. So I'll just say "maybe". Push the responsibility to someone else to convince me to the yes side -.-

It feels really stressful when one organises an outing. Then the other party plays the closed book game and hides all his chips. It takes 2 hands to clap doesn't it. If the other doesn't want to clap, what's the point.

Disappointed that Ange and I did not manage to organise an outing to tramboline park or free ice skating,
Jojo:/

From a girl to a woman

The 21st year of our existence marks the tough transition from a kid to an adult. Especially for a girl, there are some uncomfortable truths we have to deal with. For one, the fact that your looks have become very important. Talking with some guy friends, I realise we aren't in my ideal fantasy land anymore, where people are non-judgemental and see you for your content rather than your looks. Unfortunately, for a female, looks is one of the criteria the society judges us with. Prim and polished definitely defines a lady more than messy hair, acne active skin or a less than ideal BMI. (I dont think we can use the im-still-a-kid excuse for that anymore when the work world in just inches away from you)

Looks equals first impression. A pimpled up face spoils that precious impression. It also means that you have to go through much trouble putting makeup as you go into the work force... because I'm lazy, I rather have good skin to reduce steps in the makeup regime XD Of course the fact that my mum is more concerned of my self management issues (on skincare and eating habits) is quite indicative..that I should start to do the same.

With that refound resolution of improving my self management, I listened to my mum and used the ndp free trial promotions for a free session of weight loss and skincare. Haha yay kiasu Singaporeans! ! I thought it's free and fun and beneficial so why not ^_^

So I shall share about my adventures into the adult world of accelerated self management services.. Definitely not a bed of roses! Pretty much just shows that all women is freaking awesome for having to go through this or something similar.  The things women do to look beautiful.... why do I have to go through these motions too... :/ #hardtruths

Achievement unlocked: Weight loss Programme
Details blogged by angela so I shall quickly describe it and share more if my thoughts

- Steam bath: I can't seem to tolerate putting the hot stinky towel (which is drenched with sweat after awhile) on my face. So I ended up being suffocated by the hot steam. I learnt where the term "beads of perspiration" came from... I swear thousands of sweat beads popped out from my skin. And came streaming down my back. I definitely have no perserverence to sit in there like a steamed pig doing nothing but feel the burn and soak in the smell of the stinky stenched up sauna room. This procedure may be an substitute for intense exercise but not for me! It has just increased my motivation to exercise!  Exercising is so much more fun and relaxing.

- Hot blanket: it was all good. The cold air on your face contrasting the warmth of the blacket... just like how you like your waffles with icecream.... until the last 5mins of hell. I don't know how angela don't squirm or WRIGGLE. My spine was on fire. 1 min till the end (of course it seemed like it would never end) I reached out to call the person so that I can end my misery. Luckily, it was just nice, the time to stop! Right after that, I was feeling SOOOO light headed. My heart was palpitating and my head felt like it was floating in the sky.. like right after a 10km marathon. I definitely cringe at any mention of reliving that scorching hot roasting and the mental exhaustion I went through. Haha I should also mention how we terrorised people with our harmonising to get over the choked feeling. I can't help feeling that we've ruined the strict vibe of the place with how we (I) treat the place like an amusement park... ops

- the best and most expensive fat electrocution treatment: the best out of the three. It was so comfortable I almost fell asleep. I actually entertained the  thought of buying this one.... until the weight loss result was only 0.4kg..

My verdict: weight loss management programme is for the strong hearted and awesome women with high perseverence for physical grilling. For me, exercising is so much better. Chill and fun.

Achievement unlocked: Facial treatment
Actually the free trial facial treatment was pretty awesome. We got a collagen treatment which is worth $300, for free. My mum said my skin looked smoother.. so I guess it worked. I just thought it looked brighter hahaha.

There was very few poking but they did warn us about that. It is because the first time our skin is hard, making it more painful if we force poke (they use needle like tools to unclog the pores. So yes, poking is involved) I remember the very first time I went facial... omg the person poked me 100 times on the T zone, cheeks and pretty much everywhere light can reflect off the face. The fist-clenching horror.

Most women I know goes through this annual/semi annual/monthly facial (such a nice word for face poking..) how do people do it monthly is a freaking miracle.

So I ended up getting a skin care treatment package since I have to do facial at least once a year. So might as well feel the pain as my money fly to increase my resolve to manage my skin. So mafan.. but what the hell..

P.s to guys: skincare is more than just cleansing to girls. Cleansing never work. I cleanse...but still acne! No... some girls go through the full motion. Cleanse, tone, moisturise, whitening, sunblock.

It was definitely the most awesome girls-day out. Other than these 2 treatment, our meals were discounted too!! Thanks to ndp coupons Keke.

Can't bear to not be a kid anymore,
Jojo

My Jubilee Weekend

Here I list down my SG50 Conquers:

1. Free Science Centre visit to relive my geeky memories
Too bad all our favourite "forces" exhibit got removed already... but, I don't know why Ange didn't find this fun. It was super fun for me looking at flower reproductive systems, finding a komono dragon, watching the tesla coil experiment, seeing the new exhibit to learn abt the awesomeness of air pressure. Just being surrounded by science makes me happy!

2. Reconnecting with old buddies
We met up with several old buddies during this holidays- the japanese class clique, our favourite buddy Ms SX, the looks-scary-but-is-friendly guy Mr J.

Ange and I, we are such terrible friends because we forgot Ms SX's 21st birthday and she was our very cherished friend back in our secondary 1-2 days. So we made up for it by treating Ms SX and awesome korean BBQ. During the BBQ, we chit chatted and we found out that SX turned out to be an amazing person (and a fellow INTJ!!). I hereby award her best intern since she turned around a boring photocopying/admin internship into one whereby she self-learn advanced excel programming to improve the company's IT system. Such an inspiration:) we spent some quality time searching for my new shoes. I made some compromises and found an awesome replacement. It was the most hectic shopping experience though. I was dragging my feet along the whole mall because my flats broke that fateful day. I don't know why my shoes keep breaking on me. Is there some sort of shoe rebellion going on?! :0

3. Video filming for World Cup
I got to act as a student learning how to guide a visually impaired. So I had an impromptu lesson learning how to show them where to sit. Being the VP, I handled the (unplanned) interview with the beneficiary. (We needed an interview so that we have sufficient voice clips for our video). I felt abit awkward when the beneficiary was sharing about her difficult past. I almost saw tears welling up but I did not know how to comfort her. I just felt that she was really brave. I wanted to give her a pat but my seating position  prevented me from doing so. So I just awkwardly repeat "good job". It is very difficult to convey feelings of empathy when you can't look her in the eye and signal her "wowwww". You actually have to say such touchy feely stuff! #shy

P.S we also had an amazing coincidence meeting francis, our secondary school idol, at scape (because of how multitalented he is) it took us I think 30mins to figure out its really him. We kept thinking he was just a look alike!

4.Attempted visiting Artscience musuem
The queue for the artscience museum was fantabulous. It was a shocking 3 hours long wait. Ange and I were quite surprised that so many other Singaporeans continued queuing. Seriously... most Singaporeans really love queuing huh!

I made a wrong strategic move by inviting my friends to go artscience museum. I just assumed most people aren't as geeky. Apparently not, because there was alot of hype happening at marina bay at night and the only other activity around the area was... the artscience museum! In the end, we only got to see the museum from the outside...Hahahaha! Before that, we actually spent 2hrs waiting for HC because poor HC had an unfortunate episode of being unable to contact/find us. 

While waiting, ange and i had a hilarious conversation with Mr J. Its quite funny because of how Mr J respond to my pokes. And... how i misunderstood the word "bash" - he meant it as "go to this party la if u bored" while I interpreted it as "oh I have permission to bash u with truth questions!!" Most fail moment of my life. Ange and I laughed at that for a good 10 minutes. 

So by the time hc finally found us, Hc yeye and ange mama was in super low spirits. Like the sun was sucking out that spirits. I literally had to drag them along the marina bay memory lane, where they put number 1-50 exhibits. I wanted to find all of them but yeye and mama was too shag to match my child-like enthusiasm.  Guess what, they finally found their enthusiasm after i treat them to dinner -.-  hahahaha too bad the introvert in me died right about dinner time.

Oh yea, it really interesting eating with HC because it was the very first time I went into a restaurant, rest my feet, flip through the menu, find it too pricey with nothing good eating AND JUST LEFT! We were so badass when we walked out of pizza hut with the menus left on the table and plain water undranked. Ended up at senswen which chalked up to a $90 bill T.T

We ended the day in a really funny way - we did the mean girls thing and started grading men on their looks during our journey back home. It was hilarious!!

5. Watching the actual NDP at the Floating Platform
My family and i went down 1hr early. So we had a good sauna at the floating bay (aka enduring the sweltering heat and sweating all over the seats! I was even hotter because of my cool red jacket that insulates heat. But what the heck, sacrifices for FASHION and SG50!)

The actual performance was so much better than watching it from TV. TV just cannot show all the lighting effects..  I had a fun time challenging myself to video down the fireworks (since they always come out very suddenly) I was so high that I just spammed videos and picture to every possible group chat or close friend I could easily access to via whatapp hahaha.

I love all the original ndp songs! It's been awhile since ndp sang all the originals. Seeing JJ Lin and Stephanie Sun made me so happy! They were my childhood heroes <3

6. Going around singapore to use up NDP freebies coupons
So today, I am spending the day with Ange to use up the NDP coupons. Hopefully we can make our appointments for the beauty treatments free trials successfully :P

I spent way too much money these few days.. its clocking up to $150 :0 but.... Best NDP ever!!

Yay,
Jojo

P.s I will try to update the photo slideshow on my blog with my ndp adventures keke

My rollercoaster journey with my CCA

Yea, I rarely have so much free time to travel down the memory lane.. So, I shall make use of it and start penning down my journey with my CCA, En. act.us (I'm spelling it funny so that my blog can remain hidden)
The very first time
I remember back in my freshmen years, Ange and I were looking for a business CCA and a fun volunteering CCA where we can go our oversea CIPs etc. Maybe its fate, because we came across En. actus. It was a brilliant mix of both gaining business experience and making a difference! I immediately pulled Ange to join it with me.

Initially, Ange and I wanted to go into the same project. So we both chose to join the most successful projects (GG-a cooking academy and BWL-the cookie project). At that moment, the cooking aspect of those two projects seems cool and interesting. Unfortunately, the most romeo-and-juliet thing happened because Angela got into BWL while I did not. The BWL leader redirected me to another project, SIC ( a project for senior citizens) since my experience in organising programs for the elderly made me a better fit for that project. I remember being very sad that day. I read through SIC's business idea and only felt confused. I was in a dilemma. Should I join this project whose vision I can't seem to understand? I also wanted to diversify my volunteering portfolio to work with other types of beneficiaries. But, I know I can offer more at SIC. In the end, I went with the flow of nature and gave this opportunity a chance. (I guess the movie "Yes-man" changed my perspective of life abit that particular year)

As a member 
Initially, it was very scary. They had a whole dropbox database of past research, business tools, business plans. It took me one whole month to understand the business model and develop my passion towards it. I diligently attended every FF workshop to build up my business basics. I remembered how every FF workshop would drain my brain because it was so intensive. At the same time, it was really fun because sometimes we learn using games. Nothing like games to engage my competitive side :3

So as a member, I did what all members did- follow instructions. I met every deadline, played my part by brainstorming ideas, put my little mark on the final product. The vision of creating a better world for aging always pushed me on, despite the fact that I felt lost. Team meetings were rare, the work was fairly independent, there were many part of the project that I did not understand. I was only in charge of a few segments. However, I always felt reinspired whenever the team leader sent a consolidated slide to show the compilation of what everyone did. That somehow kept me going on.

On hindsight, I should have taken more initiative to ask and understand the project better. I should have made it a point to meet team members and connecting with them. Project dynamics would be so much better if there were people who just took the initiative huh.

As a Project Leader
Fate has led me to the position as a project leader. Although I was afraid, the fire in me wanted to take up that challenge. That means I could make use of my experience to make improvements, I could make a more inclusive culture, I could make it an easier journey for freshies.

I worked closely with the ex-leader to strategise the plan for the next semester. I even have 2 weeks of intensive training under her so that I can learn all I need to know to manage the project - the workings behind the financial projects, how to make professional slides, key research findings to support the business idea. The learning curve was huge! I remember feeling very excited for the first 3 months. It was such an awesome feeling understanding every part of the project, almost like managing my own business! I had so many ideas- a channel to facilitate the sharing of idea, more communication channels with members, splitting into a departmental structure so that we can be more efficient. I built a trusted core team of department leaders. They were friends I cherished to stay by my side to push the project forward. I must have been too optimistic.

Idealization is always easier than implementation. Upon implementing our pilot test, we faced multiple challenges (mainly communication friction between us and the VWO partner) Some of our business assumptions were disproved. The dis-commitment of some members was demotivating my department leaders. We all tried hard to pulled everything together. My department leaders eventually left to due to other heavy CCA commitments/ exchange plans. That was when I slip into what-i-call "my period of depression". My close friends in the team all left. I was all alone as a leader, dragging everyone along.  I am so excited about the prospects of the project but it seems new members did not understand that (just like how i was when i was a freshie). With some key assumptions disproven, I had to think of another revenue stream (solution) fast.

My learning points: 
1. Always recruit members who can commit
2. Accept that people leave. There is a natural attrition rate for all companies. It's the best
3. Never solve everything alone because members do want to be included. They have brilliant ideas too
4. Never start too big. A bigger team can move faster but it is also alot harder to manage. A lack of bond between all of them breaks the team

I definitely learnt much more about project team management and grew up fast. Looking back, this period of depression is almost necessary! I must have failed to learn. James always did say "it is better to fail in university than later in life". 

When there is darkness, there is light

I was never truly alone in my journey. I just did not look for help. En. actus had many mentors. Under the guidance of a super awesome mentor Mr D, I found my direction. Mr D linked me to many other mentors who helped be look at the finances, brainstorming of new ideas. I figured that we had to break our big enterprise idea down to smaller achievable pieces first. The next semester, I took a different approach. Together with the Happiness 101 module I took in school, I stepped out from my sad days. I no longer see problems or failure or inadequacy. I see my own potential. I see possibilities.

I made compulsory weekly meetings. I involved all members in brainstorming and problem-solving. I tried very hard to bond the members. Brainstorming was definitely fun for me. To be able to pen down my vision and dream. We always did get stuck at implementation... Definitely a challenge

World Cup Competition
I think the competition was one of the most iconic moment of my life. It was the moment when I learnt to shine with confidence on stage and present our projects with passion. Going to Beijing (fully sponsered :D), opened my eyes. I saw teams from other countries with such high level of energy. I saw simple ideas come to life, impacting thousands of people. We can really make a difference if we believe and push through!

HAHA i still remember how me and the powerpuff team burnt a towel at the hotel! we even had a heart-to-heart talk on our dreams and how we can make the CCA better.

The opportunity to become EXCO  
With all that I have learnt, with all those problems I faced, I decided to try for EXCO so that I can work directly with headquarter to make it more smooth-sailing for all projects. Time to take up a brand new challenge as project VP. SIC will always be my baby project but its time to trust the new blood to take it to new heights while I take a supervisory role. I am so excited to be a project VP right now. A month in this role, I have already expanded my horizons. I hope that I can really make a difference and create a platform where ideas come to life. I hope that I can build an inclusive club with a good development track so that members will learn to love En.act.us as much as I do <3

Lucky this time round, I have a mentor attached to me to mentor me on my personal leadership development :)

*cross fingers* I hope this time round, my trusted EXCO team will be able to match my enthusiasm and together, we can push the CCA to new heights. I definitely have a good feeling about the year ahead!

Motivated,
Jojo

The hardcore workaholic

It's the first time in forever that I have a month of break. No weekly cca meeting to attend, no pilot tests, no volunteering internships, no long-commitment jobs. I guess my audit manager is right. I am not the kind of person who can sit around at home doing nothing at home. Being so busy for the past 6 years (dedicating all my free time to my cca or my part-time job at Just Edu), I actually feel a sense of unease when I think of having nothing to do at home. I guess the workaholic in me just can't take it easy. I want to go new places, unlock new achievements, reconnect with old friends. (Such a contradiction cuz I'm really an introvert)

I have exhausted all my favourite vloggers' video, all the movies I wanted to watch. My favourite authors does not have new books for me to read. I hate exploring new authors because sometimes
1. the author writing style is not to my liking
2. Weird illogical plots
3. Characters I cannot understand/ empathize with
4. Bad endings, leaving me feeling even worse that I had wasted my time getting through the whole book

Also, SHINee is not appearing in another new variety that I can stalk. I have stopped watching drama series on television ever since university life. Animes are never as nice as the old ones anymore..Everyone else in my family is working :/ All that's left is to do mundane administrative stuff like checking out my modules announcements on Blackboard, making email groups etc.

The frustrations of mismatching schedules with friends
With so much expendable energy, I have gone out every single day, either with angela or common cliques or World Cup team (record-breaking actually!) However, it is so difficult to coordinate the schedules of so many people. Some old friends still have internship, some have camps, some are overseas, some have other plans. It is hard to find a few friends who I can hang out with every alternate days to explore new stuff huh...I have jio-ed angela so much, that she is almost getting in trouble with her parents OTL

Expensive construction projects
To spend my time productively, I wanted to make legos/ jigsaws. Unfortunately, huge lego construction projects (ie the Disneyland landmark) is so expensive! $400?!?! Cheap lego projects only takes 30minutes to complete... 

I have spent forever trying to get my hands on an appropriate jigsaw puzzle that can be a statement piece in my room. However it seems like many malls no longer sell jigsaw. My brother brought me to CityLink to get them and that jigsaw shop is no longer there -.-

The unfortunate event of poking a friend too much
 Desperately trying to fill up my empty schedule, I kept poking Mr J several times about going to Trampoline park together with Mr B, Angela and I. And to join us at karaoke with a common friend Ms SX (you know, because ange and I wanted to see how Mr J break the mike with his low voice) I just figured, more common friends/acquaintances, more things to keep the conversation flowing! #introvert

Regretfully, I pushed too far and took too long to figure that out. What happened was Mr B was too tired to join us at Trampoline park, so there was no point to go with 3 people. (it's buy one get one free promotion). I thought we could go to Trampoline park with Ms SX instead. Then soon I realise its impossible since Mr J did not want to 4 way outing with Ms SX. I even voiced that thought out loud, commenting "he scared of Ms SX". Must be an insensitive moment and a wrong word choice because Mr J replied " I got say scared".

I took that as an invitation for a debate. Not sensing his probably-pissed mood, I poked further and attempted to argue against it. Only to realise a few minutes after that I pushed the wrong button. He should be getting pissed. If I stood from his point of view, he is in a very difficult position because Ms SX is kinda a stranger to Mr J. Other people would not be comfortable with spending time with near-strangers. I realized that I should not have used my own yardstick to judge him. Just because I do silly stuff and put myself in socially uncomfortable situation, doesn't mean other logical people would. Just because I want to spend time with friends, doesn't mean he and Mr B would want to entertain my whims :/ I am such a brat. I am actually very disappointed with myself for being so self-centred. If I were to choose again -between being mean to a friend and being bored, I would rather stay bored at home. Haiz OTL moment

Guilty,
Jojo

P.s Angela and I went around JEM, Big Box and JP just to find my new chunky, laced up ankle platform shoes today. We never did find my dream shoes :/ Shopping sure is dizzying. I literally had an headache. We ended up singing at JP park (aka terrorizing people- because the park was suddenly empty after we begin singing >_<) to regain our energies.

Catching up with old friends

Yesterday, ange and I met up with Mr J. Since Mr J is joining NBS, I thought it would be great to roll up the welcome mat and coerce him to join Enactus hahaha. And of course catch up with him before my best buddy ange is off to taiwan.

Finally, the first catchup session in 4 years. We used to have such great times pranking Mr J (failed all the time of course). When messenger used to be popular, the three of us would chat for hours about weird sometimes-R21 topics. I got to know my second favourite author from Mr J too keke.

Uncharacteristically, angela was late for the meeting. So I was dragged into some shop which was selling $40+ products. Lucky I lied my way out of the store haha. I was pretty sold on their product though. Except a few taps on my phone later, I found that Carousell was selling the product for nearly half the price -.-

After some wait, both of them finally arrived. After a long chat over lunch, I realise that Mr J was still the same old sloughy guy with a tough exterior but a sensitive heart haha. Except, he was super sunburnt and tanned like mad. We bonded over why popular people have to take many selfies for the same shot.

I also found out that the privacy of my blog has been compromised. Apparently, Mr B, the crush of my life, has read my blog post regarding the confession. I have difficulty swallowing that down.

After lunch, we shopped around jcube as we waited to Mr B to come. However, we were so engrossed in conversation, I did not even explore any of the shops lol. Did not even shop for the new shoes I wanted to buy.

We were supposed to iceskate but the miser Mr B did not want to spend money on that so we ended up watching the movie "mission impossible". The movie was slightly lame because the main character survives the most ridiculous mission. He would had died hundred times already but he did not sustain any sort of injury. Too unrealistic for my liking. I do find this character in the movie - Benji- particularly cute because of how he braved through danger for the sake of his friend. Did anyone even notice the Big Ben in the movie?! What an awkward coincidence.

I'm slightly unsatisfied. The meeting ended way to abruptly. After the movie, everyone just went off to their next schedules. Haiz

Hope to make Mr J sing at karaoke someday muahahahaha,
Jojo XP

Feeling Batam with my feet

I set up a Batam trip with my Japanese class clique long before my confession with Mr B. Mr B is in this clique, therefore he is joining this Batam trip as well. (P.s My confession to him was rejected). Initally, I expected alot of awkwardness. Yet, I was determined to control my emotions and not to make it so. And I did it. It was so not awkward that... both of us were okay being stirred together.

Stirred together as in: our friends (who knew of the rejection) made us take couple shots together, do silly couple stuff, do a duet gazillion times, have Mr B piggy-back me. How did it get to piggy-backing?! Let me share with you the tale of the cursed red platform shoes...

We sang our heart out during the karaoke till around midnight. Then we were walking back to the hotel. It was very dark and there was no pedestrian walking. Just the rocky road with lots of grass on it. We followed Mr B. as he used his memory to guide us back to the hotel. After a long journey, my killer shoes could not endure the torture from the uneven ground and decided to give in! It not just broke. It had two holes with no hopes of salvage. Sometimes when a shoes break, you can still kind of walk in it. I wasn't that lucky. If I continued to walk into those killer shoes, I won't have just 2 injuries on my knees XD I ended up having to walk in my socks. Thank god I wear socks

I can't really remember the details but it seems like Mr B offered to piggy back me back to the hotel. I was so embarrassed by my sheer mass that I continually rejected his kind offer.... until the path back the hotel got more and more rocky and my feet was burning from walking on its rough surface.

The rocky pathway.
The seemingly unending pathway back to the hotel
Continued kind offer for a piggy back

Then, my resolve to walk independently broke. Only to break my pride shortly after. For my first time being piggy backed, this noobish me did not know how to get up. Someone suggested jumping on his back. So... I leapt. Next thing I knew, we were falling backwards. Mr B completely got crushed from my weight and that cursed almost-10kg I gained from 6 weeks in Taiwan. Why now. Why did I not lose this 10kg sooner? WHY. Together with that fall, my pride collapsed. I was traumatised. At least now, I have a super strong motivation to lose weight! hahahaha

I was initially shy about being piggy backed so I tried to keep a tiny distance between my *coughs* breasts and his back. However, that only seemed to make his job harder because I was tilting the centre of gravity backwards. Ms R, one of my other friends, was like "lean forward, just your core! your legs need to hug him!!" Those inhibition broke and I just heck cared for that moment and really like back-hugged him. Kyaaaa :P I'm secretly happy but coughs... we are just friends now. Hmm...I could also be happy about my feet taking a break, happy about having such great friends, not just the backhug opportunity.. :P

Eventually, Mr B could not take my weight. Even more crush to my pride.... So i was passed around (kinda feeling like a rice sack at that moment) from Ms R to CC. Yep, end of story.

After the being made to duet with him, being piggy backed, I just realised that despite the rejections, I couldn't really remove all my feelings towards Mr B. I still like him. He is still a behaviour-candy to me. Being piggy back and having the duet with him made me happy. Its just sad how he was kinda avoid eye contact during the duet. Either that, or he really couldn't remember the chinese lyrics. Franky, chinese lyrics are hard to remenber! So. Now, I shall just channel all of those feeling of "Like" into friendship "Like". No need to secretly hope for and wait for more at least. Guess that is a good thing. The line is now clear.

More details on the trip: http://ankukueh.blogspot.sg/2015/07/batam-trip-with-jap-class.html

I have no much reflection on this so more details can be found in Angela's blog. One additional thing Angela was too shy to mention though: Never do body scrub massage. They literally clean everywhere (including chest area!) Kyaaaa~~ I was like "chill jojo chill. Be an adult BE AN ADULT! I hope this female masseur is straight"